#6: Get What You Want by Using the GIVE and FAST Skills of DBT

Would you like to learn how to ask for what you want, how to resolve a conflict, and how to have your opinion taken seriously in your relationships? Today, Marielle and Ed will be expanding on the interpersonal effectiveness skills in DBT. They are working out of the DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets by Marsha Linehan, which is where you can find all the skills and see all the acronyms that are discussed in the podcast. 

Today’s episode starts out with a review of the core interpersonal effectiveness skill in DBT, which is the acronym DEARMAN. Then Marielle and Ed go into some refinements of how to deliver DEARMAN. This includes how to ask for something, how to say ‘no’, and how to resolve a conflict when different things are important. Tune in now to find out more.

The core, or foundational skill, of all the interpersonal effectiveness skills is a script that you use when you want to ask for something from someone, when you want to say ‘no’, when you want to resolve a conflict, or when you want to get your opinion taken seriously.

Show Highlights:

  • A quick review of DEARMAN, the foundational skill of all the interpersonal effectiveness skills: D=Describe; E=Express (your feelings or opinions); A=Assert (Ask for what you want); R=Reinforce (what’s in it for the other person); M=Mindful; A=Appearing confident; N=Negotiate.
  • What’s most important to you in an interaction? Your objective, your relationship, or your self-respect?
  • The interpersonal effectiveness skills in DBT encourage us to plan ahead when we need to ask for something, say ‘no’ or interact with someone to get what we want in a relationship.
  • Sometimes, maintaining our self-respect is the most important thing when we’re interacting with another person.
  • Some of the pitfalls that people can experience if they are always prioritizing the relationship, always prioritizing self-respect, or always getting what they want.
  • We sometimes assume that the way to maintain a relationship is not to ask for too much or not to say ‘no’. 
  • The Interpersonal Effectiveness skills help us to take each interaction for what it is and notice what will be most effective.
  • The GIVE skill is the skill that we use to deliver the DEARMAN when the relationship is our top priority. G=Gentle; I=Interest; V=Validate; E=Easy manner.
  • Marielle explains why Interpersonal Effectiveness skills are best accessed in Wise Mind.
  • Paying attention to body language and eye contact can help us be more effective when communicating with others.
  • Sometimes it’s actually more effective to do the opposite of what our emotions are telling us. 
  • Trying to understand where the other person is coming from helps them feel understood and can improve our relationships.
  • Having an easy manner is helpful when preserving or improving the relationship is the most important thing.
  • Some questions that you can ask yourself to get clear about your priorities in each interpersonal situation.
  • The FAST skill is used when your self-respect is most important. F=Fair; A= no Apologies; S=Stick to values; T=Truthful.
  • These interpersonal effectiveness skills take thought, planning, and practice. They are also quite nuanced.



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