#17: Why Doing Nice Things for Yourself Matters
Do you have a hard time doing nice things for yourself? The DBT skill called Accumulating Positive Events in the Short-Term is all about doing small, regular self-care. Putting effort into building positive emotions on a regular basis helps build emotional resilience so you won’t get as thrown when hard things happen.
Many folks believe that they have to “earn” doing something nice for themselves or that they don’t deserve to do things just for pleasure. If this is the case for you, it might be surprisingly hard to take time to engage in regular pleasurable activities.
This skill won’t change things overnight – that’s why it’s called accumulating! Slowly, though, you can build up your emotional resilience which can act as a buffer when life gets challenging.
Show Highlights:
- Abuse or neglect as a child can make it hard to believe you deserve self-care
- Sometimes doing nice things for yourself can bring up a lot of emotions
- For some people, feeling positive emotions can be scary
- There might be a phobia to feeling good, joyful or peaceful
- The impact of small, positive things accumulate over time
- Do at least one pleasant event a day
- Let go of worry thoughts while doing your pleasant event
- It’s not just what you do, but how you do it
- Ask yourself “What do I like?”
- Think about things that engage your 5 senses: sight, smell, touch, taste, sound
- Creativity, nature and hobbies are also areas to think about for your pleasant event but the possibilities are endless
- Make sure you are doing things you actually like
- Putting your pleasant event on your to-do list helps make it non-negotiable
- Being patient when this skill
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To learn more about DBT and therapy in general, read our blog.
Links & Resources:
DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition
#17: Why Doing Nice Things for Yourself Matters Transcript
Marielle Berg
Hello and welcome to The Skillful Podcast, where we explore DBT and RO-DBT skills to help you reduce emotional suffering, improve your relationships, and become more present in your life. I’m your host, Marielle Berg, a psychotherapist at the Bay Area DBT and Couples Counseling Center.
Marielle Berg
Hi, listeners. After great feedback from folks all over the world, we’ve decided to make a slight change and begin to answer listener questions, so we’d love to hearfrom you. If you have a question, you can head over to the contact page of our website, which is bayareadbtcc.com and ask your question. We can’t guarantee that we’ll get to it on air, but we’ll try to answer as many as we can. And of course, this podcast is not a substitute for your own individual therapy or DBT Counseling, it’s for educational purposes only. If you’re benefiting from the podcast, it would be great if you could leave us a review on iTunes, or wherever you listen to podcasts, because it really helps other people find it.
Marielle Berg
So welcome, again, as I’m looking forward to us discussing Accumulating Positive Emotions in the Short Term today.
Ed Fowler
Yes, a very exciting skill.
Marielle Berg
Yes. And before we jump in, this is just a reminder to listeners, that this podcast is for educational purposes only, and is not a substitute for mental health treatment.
Ed Fowler
And hopefully, this will be an encouragement to find a DBT treatment that works well for you. And in the meantime, enjoy.
Marielle Berg
Alright, do you want to get us started talking about the skill?
Ed Fowler
Sure. So when we look at Emotion Regulation skills, in DBT, and in our groups, we start with skills to help us change emotions. So if we have emotions that we don’twant, we look at skills like Checking the Facts, or Opposite Action, things that can help us to actually change the emotion.
Ed Fowler
But another important part of Emotional Regulation is reducing our overall emotional vulnerability, also increasing our emotional resilience. And there are skills that help us to, on a daily basis, increase that emotional resilience, our ability to handle things that come up, reduce our Subjective Units of Distress, as we talked about when we’re talking about Distress Tolerance, so that when stuff comes up, it’s not so quick to overwhelm us. And we have a little bit of breathing room to figure out, okay, what skills might I be able to use here?
Ed Fowler
So, the first skill that we look at for reducing emotional vulnerability, Accumulating Positive Emotions. So putting some effort into building positive emotions on a daily basis, and also on a long term basis.
Marielle Berg
Yes. And when I first learned about the skill, I was skeptical. I thought, when people have real problems, how is this gonna help? But, over time, I’ve come to really appreciate the skill. And I think I had such a negative reaction initially, because it’s a skill that I feel like I need. And whenever we teach this in group, it’s a great reminder of, to myself, of how of how I struggle with this, and how valuable it is when I can incorporate it more into my life.
Ed Fowler
And I think this comes up for us a lot in our groups. You know, this skill is about doing kind things for ourselves, taking time to do things we enjoy, as a way to build our emotional resilience. And I think that a lot of people have a real resistance to that. We’ve learned, and then kind of had that reinforced, over and over and over again, that we don’t deserve to do kind things for ourselves. A thing that comes up a lot, and this is kind of my angle on, this is from my own personal life, I have to earn doing positive things. So I can’t have anything on my to do list before I do something positive for myself, which there’s never an end to the to do list. So there’s never a time for me to do something positive. And that you know, even though I’ve done this work for a really long time, that still can come up, of like, oh, I should really do some hard work first, I should do something, quote unquote more important first, and then I can get to doing something kind or something that I enjoy.
Marielle Berg
I can certainly relate to that this idea, that almost, that I have to deserve something nice or taking time for myself or doing something pleasurable. And it’srelated to this, perhaps is Protestant kind of work ethic that is that infuses American culture.
Ed Fowler
Correct, yeah.
Marielle Berg
Working hard all the time, you sort of have to earn your fun time.
Ed Fowler
Right. This is, you know, Accumulating Positive Emotions is a skill in DBT. So this, like, if we talk about this in group, like, if you need to frame it as hard work, this actually is hard work. Especially if we’re not allowed to do nice things for ourselves, then yeah, this is really hard work, so.
Marielle Berg
It is!
Ed Fowler
Yeah.
Marielle Berg
That’s, I like that twist. If you want it to be hard work, it actually is hard work.
Ed Fowler
Right. And again, I think that it really is, the heart of this skill is the idea that if wedo positive things that we enjoy on a daily basis, on a regular basis, that really increases our overall emotional wellness.
Marielle Berg
And sometimes I know, in my head, I do this little switch, which is helpful, where I’ll think about doing the positive or pleasant thing, not as a reward after the hard work. But as a precursor as the thing I need to do, or the things I need to do,that will help me have the most kind of productive, effective kind of day I might want to have.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Ed Fowler
And for me as a chronic procrastinator, which in our DBT terminology would be fairly, a judgmental statement, there’s not a lot of description to that. And that is the label I have taken on myself. I have one of the strategies for getting things done, if you are struggle with procrastination is to give yourself a reward after. And one of the strategies of Accumulating Positive Emotions that tends to go over really well and be really effective in our groups, is do the positive thing first, as a building block to doing the things that you don’t want to do. And for me, that really goes against the grain, and is often much more successful.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. So it’s really flips it on its head.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
Do the positive thing first.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
Let’s go a little bit more into some of the common objections or barriers that come up for people. And then maybe we’ll talk about the different categories of positive or pleasant events that one can do, which is sort of endless. But we can at least talk a little bit about it, maybe will jog some people’s memories of things they’d like to do that maybe they’ve forgotten about.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
So first and foremost, as we already talked about, this idea of deserving is a big one that can get in the way ,or I have to earn it, so you keep putting it off. It’s sort of like a moving target. So I think what we say in group is that’s not effective. So to try to work on quieting some of those voices that say that you have to earn or you have to work really hard to deserve nice things in your life. I think for anyone who has been abused or neglected as a child, or you know, mistreated in any way, purposely doing nice things for yourself can be very evocative. Because it’s sending yourself the message that you matter, you’re worthy of care, you’re worthy of gentleness and kindness.
Ed Fowler
And I think that when we have experienced the opposite of that, especially in formative years, I do think that a lot can, a lot of emotion can come up. Listeners should be aware that if you engage in this, and you notice a lot of resistance or strong emotion, it may be that you’ve kind of been trained and trained yourself, to believe you don’t deserve it, and you’re not worth it. And it can bring up a lot to actually try to do it, to try to do good things for yourself.
Marielle Berg
Yeah, it’s a way of showing love or compassion and care. And so certainly, if, you know, be aware, if you’re trying this out for yourself, that it can bring up a lot and seek out a licensed mental health professional to help you work through that, or your supportive friends, or or whoever you might have in your community as you begin to try to incorporate more positive and maybe even joyful things in your life.
Ed Fowler
Right. And I think the the Mindfulness aspect of DBT can be helpful of just noticing. Notice what comes up notice if you have resistance. Notice if you have strong emotion, be aware without judgment. And just like how, how interesting that I’m finding this really hard or how interesting that I’m feeling enormous sadness, when I tried to do something good for myself today. And then if you need support, get it.
Ed Fowler
You deserve that. We’re really making, if you’re struggling with the deserve thing, we’re pounding that in. Really like, this is like physical therapy, where it’s like, yeah, you’re gonna deserve by the end of this. You’ll get it, you’ll get it, you’ll feel deserving.
Marielle Berg
Yeah.
Marielle Berg
So, oh man, people are gonna feel sore after.
Ed Fowler
Accumulating Positive Emotions. This is the nature of DBT. It’s like the skill’s like oh, do nice things for yourself sounds great. This can be really hard.
Marielle Berg
Another thing related to what we’re talking about, is that for some people, feelingpositive emotions can be super challenging. There can be a fear that if they feel good, that it means like, the other shoe is gonna drop, or something terrible is gonna happen. So there can almost be like a phobia of feeling the more positive emotions.
Ed Fowler
Yeah. And I think that oftentimes, when, when people struggle with overwhelmingnegative emotions, we actually become acclimated to that. And so we know what it’s like to be seriously stressed or anxious. We know what it’s like to feel really sad. We know what it’s like to deal with huge bursts of anger, where it’s notas familiar to feel joy, or to feel peace, and to actually do things that might bring that up can feel really uncomfortable, in fact. And that’s a thing that we hear quite, quite frequently.
Marielle Berg
Yeah, that this is unfamiliar, and it’s unfamiliarity is uncomfortable, I don’t know who I am, how to be in a place where, where there’s more pleasure, or soothing or joy in my life.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
Similar to what you said, a few moments ago, bringing in the Mindfulness piece, the part of you that can witness all those can be really helpful. So you can notice,oh, this is hard for me. I’m doing something pleasurable, or pleasant, and it’s super uncomfortable.
Ed Fowler
Right, right.
Marielle Berg
I think an additional stumbling block with this skill can be a sense of, it’s not going to make a difference.
Marielle Berg
Mm, yeah.
Marielle Berg
Like why bother. What, so I go and take that walk at lunchtime for 15 minutes, and you know, look at the flowers or the water or whatever might be pleasant around you, who cares? How’s that going to change anything?
Ed Fowler
Right? And I deal with this a lot with people that I meet with, where I will say like, what, what if, for instance, you tried to walk every day at lunch for 15 minutes as a way to do something positive that could break the day up? And people just started like, no, that’s why why would I bother? That’s such a small thing. And because I know the value of this skill, that I know that if we are able to do these small things on a regular basis, it does actually accumulate.
Ed Fowler
The skill is Accumulating Positive Emotions. And I tend to kind of keep pushing it. And then all of a sudden, people say, I have been doing that walk thing, and I actually feel better.
Marielle Berg
Right.
Ed Fowler
I’m like yeah. And that’s the value of, for, Marielle, for you and I, that we’ve been through this ourselves and with people that we’ve worked with enough times to know like, yeah, if you try it, it’ll probably work. And it’s kind of like a pushing through that sense. Noticing, acknowledging, okay, I feel like this is a small thing, this isn’t going to make a big difference. And pushing through that and giving it ashot and seeing what happens, and reminding ourselves that the skill involves accumulating.
Marielle Berg
Yeah.
Ed Fowler
And so we got to do the small things regularly, until it actually does build up to feeling an emotional difference.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. And so you, you don’t get a reward as quickly, which feels a bit strange to say, because ideally, you’re getting the reward of the positive feeling of doing whatever pleasant thing that you did, like that walk or enjoying your favorite hot beverage. But you don’t get that kind of immediate feedback that you do with some of the other skills like a TIPP skill.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
If you are feeling super distressed, and you dunk your head in cold water, very quickly, your distress will come down and you’re like, okay, I got it, that skill works, right? Or even like Opposite Action, where if you can identify your emotion, like if you’re feeling scared, and then you approach what you’re scared of, you get feedback pretty quickly, like, oh, this is actually helping bring down that fear with this skill. It’s it’s much more like a, you know, pennies in the bank and accumulate slowly over time.
Ed Fowler
Right. So for when we talk about this skill in group, for some people who tend to already be doing these positive things for themselves, they’re like, oh, sure, yeah, okay, great. I got benefit from that right away. This is a good one, but they’re already doing it. So they kind of move on to other skills. Whereas other people where this is a big stretch and this is different. There tends to be a kind of like, okay, well, I guess I’ll try it because I have to, and then a sense of oh, oh, wait, and then doing it repeating it, all of a sudden, then people are able to get past that. Like this is too small, I don’t deserve it. And to see that longer term benefit, but it does take a bit of a commitment to do it regularly.
Marielle Berg
Right? And I think it can be hardest or those feelings of how is this going to make a difference? That resistance is going to come up more strongly when you’re feeling really depressed, or very sad, or overwhelmed. Like when your emotional state, when your negative emotional affect is really high? I think that’s when it can be more challenging to find a willingness to do something nice for yourself.
Ed Fowler
Right?
Marielle Berg
So let’s, let’s begin talking about how to actually do this skill.
Ed Fowler
I think that the skill involves three things. The first is identifying positive activities that you enjoy. And in the skills workbook that we use, there’s like a very long list of like, I don’t know, is it like 200, or something, events that you could try. So lots and lots of ideas, the ideas are endless, and it’s very personal.
Ed Fowler
So identifying, what are some things that I can do that would feel positive for me,that would be a pleasant event in my day, and then doing one of those things, at least each day. So Accumulating Positive Emotions in the Short Term is very much like a daily activity of building in that way, at least once a day, I’m doing something that feels positive to me.
Ed Fowler
And then the second part of it is to be mindful of the pleasantness of that activity. So not just like, okay, like going for a walk. So I’m going to go for a walk, okay, I did the walk, you’re not necessarily going to get a lot of pleasant emotion from that, right. But going for a walk and being like, let me notice what feels pleasant about this. If it’s drinking a cup of tea, this is a common one that comes up as like, I love tea and picking a nice tea that I really like, and enjoying that cupof tea, like noticing what is it that I enjoy about this? What’s pleasant about it? Is it the moment of pause? Is that the taste of the tea? Is it the warmth? What is it that I like about this?
Ed Fowler
So really being mindful of what is it that I find pleasant about this activity. So that we’re in it, not going through the motions, but in it. And then the third aspectof Accumulating Positive Emotions is letting go of worries. So letting go of things like, oh, this isn’t going to work, or I got so many other things to do, or what if thisdoesn’t work? What if there’s no benefit to this, and just noticing those and putting those to the side and refocusing on the pleasant activity itself.
Marielle Berg
So it’s not just what you do, which I want to unpack a little bit, and hopefully spark some ideas. And listeners, it’s how you do it, that makes such a big difference. So I’m sure some listeners have had the experience of doing something that quote unquote, should be pleasurable or fun or joyful or creative. And you’re doing that activity, it could be you could be on vacation, or somethingthat you really looking forward to. And your mind is somewhere else. It’s on a work problem or a conversation you had with a friend that felt uncomfortable, or it’s what you have to do when you get back, you know, when you get back from vacation, thinking about the past or worrying about the future. And so you’re not present to that experience.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
So this is a big piece of, of the skill is the quality of attention that you you bring to it, it makes all the difference.
Ed Fowler
Yeah. So doing something that you identify as pleasant, not what you think you should think is pleasant, or what other people have told you you should do. This comes up a lot of like, oh, people have been telling me that I should go for walks. But I hate walks. Walks, right, what do you like? And again, this is a huge, and we’ll get into this, this can be a huge barrier for people. Like I don’t know what I like, I don’t know what’s pleasant for me. I haven’t paid enough attention to that. For the purposes of this skill, it’s like picking something doing it and doing it mindfully being in it. Not in the past, not in the future. Not in the worries, but just really be in it.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. So let’s let’s throw out some ideas of to get people’s minds going about. Because you, as you’re listening, you might have things like go tos, that you know,like I hang out with my dog or I play catch with them. And I love that that’s a pleasant event for me, I want to do that more often. Or I love to knit whatever your thing, you might do. But I think it can be useful for listeners who maybe don’t know what they like, but also even for people who kind of have a sense of what they might like to do to spark new ideas because there might be somethingthat you forgot about or something that you’re curious to try.
Marielle Berg
And so one way I think about this is with thinking about like what might be pleasant or what might be pleasing to you, is I first think about the senses.
Ed Fowler
Yeah.
Marielle Berg
What are things that will engage your five senses? And the list really could be endless. So things that are pleasing to see, you know, a sunset. I love water. I think many people do, you know, greenery, hills, flowers, whatever might be around you and accessible.
Ed Fowler
My thing that somebody recently showed me a picture and I like the green trees against a blue sky is like just like really evocative for me. And so anytime I see something with green trees in a blue sky, I’m just like, ah, yeah.
Marielle Berg
Right.
Ed Fowler
And so that’s what I would be looking for on the National Geographic website. But again, I think it speaks to this idea of like, something that’s pleasing to look at. And then looking at it and enjoying it.
Marielle Berg
Yeah, yeah. And so we started got into nature, as we’re talking about this, which is such a source for so many people of self soothing, and a place where you can find pleasure. And we know that we have listeners all over the world. So whatever, right, available to you where you are, that is pleasing in nature, that’s something definitely to think about. And so many senses can be engaged in nature. So we got on this and talking about seeing or visual, right, but when you’re in nature, there’s, you know, what you smell, right? It’s the quality of the air around you.
Ed Fowler
Right, right. What you hear.
Marielle Berg
Yes.
Ed Fowler
And I think in terms of senses, like music is a big one. So listening to music that, that you particularly like. I know, I use this one a lot, of like listening to somethingreally inspiring, you know, like, searching for a song I know that feels inspiring to me. I’m a big fan of like, really cheesy, corny, inspiring stuff, songs. So doing that, listening something that’s, that’s energizing to think about, like, oh, what what do I feel like listening to that would feel good right now? And I do this pretty much every morning, I’ll listen to one song at least, and kind of go through and listen to the stuff I’ll put like my music on shuffle and just see what comes up. But listeningto music can be a big one.
Marielle Berg
Yes, absolutely. Taste as we go down the senses, obviously. And so savoring, you know, a drink you love, you talked about tea, coffee, whatever a small amount of some foods you really enjoy. Or just, you know, a satisfying meal.
Ed Fowler
Right. Like I, I love chewing gum. So, and again, the one of the things I found is with these Accumulating Positive Events is we can train ourselves to be soothed by them as soon as we do it. So just having one piece of gum and chewing it for a couple of minutes. It’s just like, ah, yeah, what a refreshing break. So it’s like, you know, like doing something like that, that engages your sense of taste. And then over time, it can be something where it’s like, ah, I want a piece of gum that would feel really pleasant right now.
Marielle Berg
So it’s been like coupled in your brain as –
Ed Fowler
Totally.
Marielle Berg
Yeah.
Ed Fowler
Totally.
Marielle Berg
And then we talked a little bit about our sense of smell. I know that in terms of nature, but this is one I use a lot. So I love like scented lotions and some scented candles and aromatherapy and I know I gave you Ed, an aromatherapy stick once and I think you were like, why are you giving me this? Who doesn’t want to put lavender on their wrist?
Ed Fowler
And so my my thing with that I’m like not a put it on my wrist kind of person. But Iwill take it out and I will smell it once in a while. Where I’m just like, oh, you know what, what about that thing and smell that that rich smell. I enjoy like going into a store, if I have a moment, that has scented candles, and just go through and smell, take a couple of minutes to smell different candles. If I happen to be walking by a store, take a moment and smells have candles and just that moment can be pleasant.
Marielle Berg
Yeah.
Marielle Berg
So get creative as you’re listening, in terms of what might be helpful for you. And then the last sense I want to talk about is our sense of touch. So you know, soft fabrics or blankets or of course if you have an animal that you can pet, hugging someone you’re close to, so these are all – getting your hands in the dirt if you garden.
Ed Fowler
Right. And so like there’s so many things that accentuating your senses, so for instance if gardening would be a pleasant event for you, to like really notice the sense of touch as you’re doing your gardening, notice the smells as you’re doing your gardening, notice what you see, to like engage your senses as you’re doing these things that you like.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. So I think about as I said, like senses and there’s there’s so much overlap here but and then I also think about terms of pleasant events like creativity, or hobbies however people want to think about that. And these kinds of pleasant events might take some more planning, if you want to paint or draw or write or make music, that that might take a little bit more planning than going to get your favorite cup of coffee midday or taking that walk midday. But these are alsothings that you can add to your repertoire of pleasant events.
Ed Fowler
Yeah, I think that people will often talk about things like knitting or sewing, playing a musical instrument, basically hobbies that people have developed, thatcan be really pleasant and relaxing, maybe a bit of a stretch. But also relaxing is kind of a cool thing, where it’s like, I have to kind of think about this, but it also feels relaxing. Any of those types of things is definitely something to keep in mind.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. And I think that oftentimes, when people are doing those kinds of hobbies, they’re not thinking this is adding to my emotional resiliency. But it absolutely is.
Ed Fowler
Right. So I think another category to think about is doing things with others. So making plans with someone, texting someone, calling someone, thinking about reaching out to people that you care about can be a pleasant activity, it can be really simple. You know, just sending a quick text to say, Hey, I’m thinking about you can be a nice thing. Participating in activities people talk about, like organizing a game night or something like that, like, those kinds of things, where we’re doing things with other people.
Ed Fowler
Sometimes that’s a barrier of like, oh my god, I gotta plan this out. I gotta reach out to people. So you know, start with whatever is doable and workable. And if it’s like, oh, man, I love playing Yahtzee. I want to organize a Yahtzee game with people go for it.
Marielle Berg
Do people still play Yahtzee?
Ed Fowler
Marielle I still play Yahtzee.
Marielle Berg
Cat is out of the bag. Okay, now we know.
Ed Fowler
Anybody who is listening to this, who knew me back in the day, at what point I was so into Yahtzee that people gave me headband and wristband with Yahtzee Dice on it. So that’s how, that’s how, I should drag those out.
Marielle Berg
That’s great. I love that. So like board games, we didn’t talk about that card games. I mean, the list is endless. We could go on, but I’m hoping that this will spark some people’s ideas or memories. I remember one group, I was leading a skills group, and it happened to be all women, young women. And someone mentioned in the group like experimenting with makeup, right? The group members got really interested like, oh, yeah, I really enjoy that. So whatever works for you.
Ed Fowler
Right. I think thinking about simple things can also help. So for instance, just taking a moment to, to laugh. You know, like to just even if you’re faking it, like just laugh for a minute, you know, taking a moment to think about somebody that you really care about, take a moment to remember pleasant memories.
Marielle Berg
And so you had talked a little while ago about planning pleasant events ahead oftime. So this is something we definitely recommend to our group members, that just as you would put, you know, do laundry or finish this work project on your to do list, put your pleasant events on your to do list to that they those are also non negotiables.
Ed Fowler
When we go over this skill in our skills group for for that week, the practice is to plan one pleasant thing each day and do it. And oftentimes people will say, I’m keeping that up. I’m continuing to do that of like, go through the week ahead of time, and say, okay, what’s the pleasant thing I’m going to do each day. And maybe I don’t do that pleasant thing, but I’ll do something. And it really does build the the routine of doing one nice thing for yourself each day.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. Let’s talk just a little bit more about some of the things that we didn’t mention earlier in this episode. Some of the barriers, because I’m thinking about, okay, so when folks plan out what they’re going to do. So there’s all the things like I don’t deserve it, or it’s not going to make a difference. I also think about the need sometimes to practice Opposite Action when necessary in doing the skill, which we’ve talked about in a previous podcast episode.
Marielle Berg
So the Opposite Action is in a nutshell, is basically doing the opposite of what your current emotion or mood is telling you to do. Sometimes that’s needed, like you really do not feel like doing it, but you’re gonna do Opposite Action, you’re gonna do it anyway, you’ll still get the benefit.
Ed Fowler
Right. Especially if you struggle with the idea of planning and doing pleasant things for yourself, it’s going to actually take some effort to do it. And, quite honestly, you are not going to feel like it. And this is a big thing in DBT is like we’re trying to have our behavior be in line with our values and our goals, and not in line with our mood or how we feel. Because sometimes I don’t feel like it and I know that this will be beneficial to me. I’ve been told that this could have an impact that’s positive.
Ed Fowler
So it’s like saying, you know what I’m going to, I don’t I’m gonna plan, that’s why the planning in advance can be helpful. Like, I planned that I was going to listen to a song today. So I’m gonna listen to a stupid song. And my, my experience is, then I usually do feel better afterwards. It does have an impact short term, the purpose of this skill is that the impact accumulates. So the more often we do it and do it mindfully, do something pleasant, the more benefit we get to our emotional resilience.
Marielle Berg
Yes. And with the skill, I think it’s also really important to be patient. As we said, you know, doing a nice thing for yourself a couple of times, often isn’t going to make a huge difference, but it will, it will accumulate over time. So be really patient as you begin trying to incorporate this into your life.
Ed Fowler
I think this is one of those dialectical moments of, you know, be patient with yourself in the process and try to do it.
Marielle Berg
Right.
Ed Fowler
It’s worth the effort. And so that’s where I think that this skill can be really powerful for people. And almost always, when we talk about it in a group, people are like, Okay, we’re going to spend a whole group talking about this, this seems like something really simple. And they find that it’s more complicated than they necessarily thought. And actually, the impact is greater than people imagined. SoI think that was your experience early on Marielle. Like that, you know, this is actually a really powerful skill, when we engage it
Marielle Berg
Yes,
Ed Fowler
regularly.
Marielle Berg
And then, let’s review briefly the mindset that we want to bring when we’re doing the pleasant events. So being as mindful and aware as possible. So in the presentmoment, letting go of worries, this is really key.
Ed Fowler
That’s it. That’s the heart of it. Do the pleasant thing, mindfully in the moment, putting worries and judgments to the side.
Marielle Berg
Yeah, that’s it. Thank you so much for chatting with me about this skill today.
Ed Fowler
Yeah. Thank you. Good luck, everybody. Enjoy.
Marielle Berg
Thanks for listening to today’s episode. To learn more, or if you’re in the Bay Area and want to get started with therapy, you can find us online at bayareadbtcc.com. That’s bayareadbtcc.com.