![#26: Coping with COVID-19 [Part 3] Being Skillful in Relationships During Quarantine](https://bayareadbtcc.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/marielle-new-podcast-graphics-1-750x470.png)
#26: Coping with COVID-19 [Part 3] Being Skillful in Relationships During Quarantine
Today, Marielle and Ed discuss skills to help you communicate with other people during a global pandemic where we are all facing new interpersonal challenges.
We are connecting – or not connecting – with each other in very different ways now, which can strain relationships.
People living alone may feel isolated.
People living with others may long for time alone. The demands of partners, children, and/or other family members may feel like too much.
Additionally, continual low-grade fear and uncertainty make it hard to be in Wise Mind and to know what you want and need.
The DBT skills of DEAR MAN and GIVE can help. These skills provide structure for asking for what you need, saying no, or having your opinion taken seriously. Marielle and Ed revisit these skills and talk about relationships as a whole during this pandemic.
Show Highlights
- Think about what your objective is ahead of time when communicating with others. Steer clear of impulsively lashing out or shutting down.
- Many of us are teetering away from Wise Mind and toward Emotion Mind a lot of the time these days
- Getting factual can balance out strong emotions
- Doing the most skillful DEAR MAN doesn’t mean you will get what you want, but you will hold onto your self-respect and not damage your relationship
- Some people are needing more alone time while others are really needing more contact
- GIVE is the way you do DEAR MAN when the relationship is your top priority.
- Rigidity comes up when we feel out of control and scared
- If you approach others with rigidity, they may become defensive
- Your loved ones need gentleness, and so do you
- Being open to the other person’s point of view and perspective
- Validating the other person
- Radical Acceptance – don’t forget it! This might include radically accepting the limitations of others
- Using DEAR MAN can help you with voicing your needs
- DEAR MAN stands for:
- D: Describe
- E: Express
- A: Assert
- R: Reinforce
- M: Stay Mindful
- A: Appear Confident
- N: Negotiate
- GIVE stands for:
- G: (be) Gentle
- I: (appear or be) interested
- V: Validate
- E: Easy Manner
Links & Resources
DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition
The Skillful Podcast Episode #5: Using the DEARMAN Framework to Say No
The Skillful Podcast Episode #6: Get What You Want by Using the GIVE and FAST Skills of DBT
Ask us a Question
We’d love to hear from you! Where are you getting stuck with your skills application? Ask us a question for the chance to have it answered on the podcast. Submit your question here.
Please note that questions, and this podcast in general, are not a substitute for individual mental health treatment.
#26: Coping with COVID-19 [Part 3] Being Skillful in Relationships During Quarantine Transcript
Marielle Berg
Hello and welcome to The Skillful Podcast where we explore DBT and RO-DBT skills to help you reduce emotional suffering, improve your relationships, and become more present in your life. I’m your host, Marielle Berg, a psychotherapist at the Bay Area DBT and Couples Counseling Center.
Marielle Berg
So Ed and I are back today discussing skills to help you get through the current pandemic. And we’re recording on April 13. And I just wanted to say the date because there’s a time lag between the date that we will record and when the episode is released, so we know things can change.
Marielle Berg
But as of today, in here in California, we’re still all sheltering in place, although I heard that our governor would be announcing a plan tomorrow to make changes. So who knows what will be the case for us, at least here in California, by the time you’re hearing this. But my assumption is that things likely have not changed all that much. And we will still be dealing, and we’ll be dealing for a long time, with the ramifications of COVID-19.
Ed Fowler
I think that Marielle, as we’ve talked about, like topics that we might want to look at, that would be relevant and helpful during this time. I mean, even even as things change, we’re probably going to end up with this kind of sheltering at home, off and on, you know, in various forms for a while. And so keeping in mind that a lot of us are going to be in much more contact with people that we live with, and in very different contact with people that we don’t live with. And there’s a lot that we will want to be thinking about in order to stay skillful in those circumstances.
Marielle Berg
Yes, this may be the new normal for for some time. And so today, we’re going to focus on skills to help you communicate with others. And so we know that different people are experiencing different levels of connection and isolation during this time. So we have folks who are living alone, who may be feeling very isolated. And we have folks living with significant others, or children, or extended family members or roommates where there’s too much togetherness. And not sort of the kind of togetherness that we would usually value, that feels like quality time there’s a, there’s an overload of being in each other’s space, and that can be very challenging. So we wanted to talk about some of the common things that can come up during this time, depending on your different circumstance.
Ed Fowler
So no matter what our circumstances, because so many people’s routines have changed, and living circumstances have changed, we are communicating with each other and connecting with each other in very, very different ways. And that can cause a particular strain for each particular circumstance of the ways that we are needing to communicate with people.
Ed Fowler
So when we are having a lot of communication with people via video conference, or phone, FaceTime, those kinds of things, there’s, you know, like a very different rhythm to that, especially if that’s your only communication with certain people. And that is very different than when you’re living in perhaps a small space with multiple people that you haven’t had to share space with for extended periods of time. And figuring out how to communicate in those circumstances. There’s just so many levels that this kind of differing connection can impact us.
Marielle Berg
And we’re trying to figure it out on the fly while we are also, all of us, dealing in varying levels at different times with a lot of anxiety, and fear and uncertainty. So that tends to kind of pull us out of our Wise Mind and more into Emotion Mind and can make it super difficult to think really clearly about how you express your wants and needs to others. So we have a skill in DBT that we have devoted a previous episode to before, but we wanted to review it here. We have a couple of skills we wanted to review here that we’ve devoted entire episodes to in the past, but we wanted to review them keeping in mind the current challenges and thinking about ways to use these skills while you’re sheltering in place.
Ed Fowler
So when we think about Interpersonal Effectiveness in DBT, the the kind of foundational skill for that is the DEAR MAN, which is of course an acronym, which is a format and a structure for how we can ask for what we need and relationships, or say no if that’s what we need to do. And it gives us a way to kind of focus when we need to ask for something or say no to something in our relationships.
Marielle Berg
And so the DEAR MAN is essentially, you know, a script that is helpful to write out in advance if you’re able to, but let’s review what the acronym stands for.
Ed Fowler
The DEAR stands for: the D is Describe what it is that you want to talk about. The E is for Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. The A is for Assert what you want, basically ask for what you want, or say no, so assert what you want. And the R is the Reinforce what is in it for the other person to give you what you want.
Ed Fowler
Sometimes people think the reinforce stands for reinforcing what you want. But really, it’s about how do you reinforce that there’s a benefit to the other person to give you what you’re asking for.
Marielle Berg
And then the MAN, the M is to stay Mindful. And so there’s two pieces to the stay mindful. One is what’s called Broken Record, which means just keep asking, or saying no, or expressing your opinion, over and over. And the other one is Ignoring Attacks. So if you’re asking someone to do something, or saying no to someone, and they say, well, what about the thing you did, or you never do XYZ and you respond to that attack, you’re gonna be off on a different tangent and really move away from your original request. So staying mindful involves a broken record and ignoring attacks.
Marielle Berg
The A is Appearing confident, as much as you can. So trying to use a confident tone of voice and eye contact, even if that’s over video. And then the last one, the N is Negotiate. And that’s being willing to give to get, to offer and ask for other solutions to the problem. And even sometimes turning the tables over to the other person and saying like, this is a problem, what do you think we should do?
Ed Fowler
So the DEAR MAN is kind of our structure for how we organize our approach to asking for what we want, or saying no. The foundation of this, that I think is so helpful to keep in mind is, when we are getting ready to do a DEAR MAN with someone, we want to really be clear about what is our objective for this conversation. And what I appreciate about this approach is it really does require us to be thoughtful, and to plan ahead and be clear with ourselves about what we want.
Ed Fowler
Because so often, in interpersonal communication, we can kind of get lost in things if we just kind of react, or if we are going into something impulsively or emotionally, and saying, I just want to talk about this. And we haven’t really thought through, what’s the outcome I’m looking for here? What is my goal in the situation? So before we structure our DEAR MAN, we think about what is it that I want? What’s my ultimate objective here, in order to then structure our DEAR MAN approach with what’s going to get me that objective? What’s going to get me closest to meeting that objective?
Marielle Berg
And I think one of the particular challenges of using this skill right now is that given our heightened emotions, it might be harder to figure out what you’re wanting or what you’re needing. Is it connection or support? Are you asking someone to change their behavior? Is there something you need to say no to? I think that this can be a little bit harder to access and might take more time to really get clear on what what you’re needing. And I think that this is so hard, because many of us are probably most of the time now teetering, kind of away from Wise Mind and more in Emotion Mind. And ideally, when we are clarifying our goals and interpersonal situate situations and relationships, we want to be in Wise Mind.
Ed Fowler
And what I appreciate about having to like, really think about “what is my goal here” automatically brings us into that more Reasonable Mind side of things like that. We may have strong emotions of anger, and I’m like, I want to make this person stop doing the thing I don’t like, or we may have a lot of fear, like I need them to help me in this way because I’m so overwhelmed. And thinking about okay, what’s my objective here automatically forces us to get a little bit more factual. What is the outcome I’m looking for? What is it I’m wanting? What specifics? Am I thinking about, instead of just kind of reacting from the more emotional side, and with any Wise Mind balance, we’ve got to keep the emotions in mind the emotions are giving us important information. So being able to say, what is it that I want from this person? What is my goal here? And thinking about that can bring a little balance, even when the emotions are high, without ignoring whatever emotions we’re experiencing?
Marielle Berg
Yes. And if we can’t answer that question in the moment, then that is a signal that a little more time is needed to figure out what you’re wanting from the interaction. And I think also, when we can step back and ask ourselves this and access more of the reasonable part of our mind, or brain to think about what our ask is, it gives us a chance during these times to think about who we want to be, during these situations. I know for myself things that in some moments can feel really important when I can step back a little bit seem a bit more petty or inconsequential. And so this gives us an opportunity to think about like, how do I want to show up with the people in my life during this time, what’s the best version of myself? Not that we’re always going to be able to access that. But I think it can be useful to reflect on it in our interpersonal relationships.
Ed Fowler
And during this time of so much change, having an orientation of, I want to be thoughtful, I want to be planful, I want to think about my goals, and try to achieve those goals effectively by for instance, using a DEAR MAN approach really does help us to balance out what feels overwhelming so much of the time, and gives us some power and control in a situation where we are all inherently powerless over so much. So being able to say, Okay, I want to be planful about these relationships, what is it that I want, and what’s the best way to ask for it, does help us practice some sense of control and can create some balance for us.
Marielle Berg
And can be useful, even if we don’t get what we want. In the end, we can do the most sort of skillful DEAR MAN, and the person were making a request of or the person we’re trying to communicate with can’t meet our needs. And then we have other skills that can help you manage that. But I think there’s value, even if you get a no answer when you want a yes answer, in doing the DEAR MAN, in helping you feel more empowered and more clear about what your wants and needs are.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Ed Fowler
So we have talked in recent episodes about a lot of Distress Tolerance skills, and Emotion Regulation skills, which are really good for like getting through, when when things are are stressful. Applying more of the Interpersonal Effectiveness skills really does require more planning, more thoughtfulness, and more grounding in a lot of ways. And so the I think this is probably a good time for us to be thinking about this. In my relationships, what do I want? What are my goals, and what’s the best way to try to achieve that. And as Marielle said, even if we don’t achieve the goals, the process of being thoughtful and planful, and clarifying our goals for ourselves, can have its own benefit.
Marielle Berg
Yes, and just to remind folks that we use DEAR MAN when you want to ask for something, when you want to say no to something, and when you want your opinion to be taken seriously.
Ed Fowler
And it is a script that we use to plan out what we want to say. And the reason why we have this skill is because this tends to be a pretty effective way to get what you want. If we can structure the conversation in this way, it tends to really meet our needs, as well as the other person’s needs.
Ed Fowler
So for instance, with the DEAR, you know, first started are establishing you’re describing what it is that you want to talk about. So you know, being able to say like, I have felt like I didn’t have enough alone time. And I am struggling with that. So that would be the D and the E right. So like, I feel like I don’t have enough alone time and the E, express your feelings, I am struggling with that. And then you, so you’re kind of orienting the other person to what I want to talk about, and why this is important to me what the emotions or the opinions are, that are causing me to need to talk about this with you.
Ed Fowler
And so the other person is kind of on board with what’s happening here. What are we talking about? We’re not just launching into an ask for what we want. We’re kind of getting them ready. And then we assert with the A in the DEAR, what we want. So for instance, I was wondering if I could have some alone time, every day at this particular time. And then what I you know, the innovation to this that I think is so helpful, is that we reinforce what’s in it for the other person to give us what we’re asking for. So in this situation, we could say, I think I will be a lot less stressed, and able to be so much more present when we are together, if I have this space for an hour every day.
Marielle Berg
And then the M for being mindful is, if there are attacks, if you’re asking this of someone you’re living in close contact with, if there are attacks like, well, I don’t get enough alone time, or I’m already doing too much, and you’re not doing enough or whatever it might be. Or what do you mean, you don’t want to spend time with me, if the other person gets hurt and takes it sort of personally. With the staying mindful, we really want to try to ignore those attacks. And that doesn’t mean that we dimiss them. So one thing I find helpful if someone’s bringing up something that really feels valid is I’ll say, yeah, that is important. And let’s talk about it later. But can we just address this one thing now, so keep bringing it back to the thing you’re asking for, while not dismissing that the other person maybe has something that needs to be talked about in a separate conversation. But if you follow some of those attacks, you will veer so off course that you won’t remember what your original request was.
Marielle Berg
Then the A is appearing confident. So no kind of looking at the floor, or stammering or, you know, over apologizing. So you know, making this request with a sense that you do have a right to ask for that. It may not be met the need to be alone, especially during this time, but you have a right to request that and see if it can be found in your relationship.
Marielle Berg
And the N is negotiate, which I think during this particular time is going to be especially important. Because if you’re asking for alone time, which I think a lot of us are needing and not getting, you’re gonna have to be really creative about how you’re going to get that. And likely your significant other or other people you’re living with, I mean, it depends, because I feel like we all have different parameters of how much alone time we need. But my hunch is, is that everyone’s a bit starved for that right now. And so the, in the negotiate, this is where you can have a conversation where you might be willing to give to get and do what’s called Turn the Tables, where you make it a “we” sort of problem. So what are we going to do about this together? Or do you have any ideas?
Ed Fowler
So I think that this, you know, like having this structure, in this example of needing some more alone time, just gives, like a way to approach this so that it’s not like, oh, my God, I need alone time, how am I going to get this? But like, I’m going to plan this out, I’m going to think of a way to like, kind of come up with an approach that I’m going to deliver to the other person. This is kind of the language that we often use in DBT. I’m going to deliver my DEAR, and and see if they can, if we can work out an arrangement.
Ed Fowler
And this example of needing to ask for our own time with someone that you’re living with. For a lot of people, they’re needing the opposite, I am needing more contact, I’m living alone, or I’m living with people that I’m not particularly close to or have strained relationships with. And I want to ask for people outside of this living arrangement. Can we talk like via FaceTime or phone or whatever, more often? And you use the same approach of being able to say I’m really struggling with having limited contact, and it’s quite stressful for me, I’m asking, could we schedule a time to talk on a regular basis? And this will really help me a lot, and it will give me a chance to also be able to be supportive of you. So that’s an example of a DEAR for the other side of that equation.
Marielle Berg
And just to acknowledge, that that takes courage. Because we’re making ourselves vulnerable during this time, or you’re exposing your vulnerability during a time when I think we’re all feeling very vulnerable. So reaching out, if you’re living alone, to connect with others, and letting people in your life know that you’re needing more support can feel very scary.
Ed Fowler
Yeah. And that’s where I think, being thoughtful and planful and using a DEAR MAN approach can sometimes give us the courage to do these things. Where for me, especially when it comes to asking for something, I will talk myself out of it. If I don’t have a plan, I’m going to talk myself out of it and say, I don’t really need that, it’s not that big of a deal, oh, the other person is probably struggling with so much I don’t want to bother them. Where if I’m thoughtful about what do I need, and I write out this DEAR MAN script, it’s probably going to give me that little bit more courage that I might need to actually ask for these things.
Ed Fowler
And for me, another big motivator in using a DEAR MAN approach is if I don’t ask, especially now when we’re so much more limited in our ways to be connected to others and be limited in the things that we can do, I’m gonna feel it. If I don’t ask for what I need, and it’s probably not going to go away, and I’m eventually going to need to ask. And so it may take a while before I get up that courage to, to say, hey, I could use more contact, or hey, I could use less or whatever it might be. And having a DEAR MAN approach kind of for me, gives it that little bit more formality that can get you over the hump of actually following through.
Marielle Berg
That’s a great point, in that it puts a little fire under you to not avoid and to ask or make the request for what you’re wanting and needing.
Marielle Berg
And so we also wanted to talk about the GIVE skill, which is essentially, how you do your DEAR MAN or the flavor, or the qualities you want to bring to your DEAR MAN when your relationship when keeping the relationship or improving the relationship is the most important thing. And I think these skills are so necessary right now, whether or not you’re living with others, or living alone.
Marielle Berg
And so we also have another acronym that we use, which is called FAST, which are the qualities you want to bring to your DEAR MAN when your self respect is most important. But we thought that we would focused on GIVE for today, given that it covers, or the acronym covers a whole bunch of things to keep in mind, in particular, during very stressful time.
Ed Fowler
And just to quickly run through the acronym, for GIVE, which again, is the qualities that you bring to delivering a DEAR MAN, when you need to ask for something or say no. The G stands for being Gentle. So in particular, like being very focused on being gentle with the other person, not attacking or threatening or judging, but being careful to be very gentle, because that tends to be more effective in getting what we need in relationships, especially close relationships. I in GIVE stands for act Interested, or even be Interested in the other person and their point of view. So that we’re really attuned to where is the other person coming from, we want to be really interested in listening to them.
Ed Fowler
The V in GIVE stands for Validate. So we are demonstrating with our words and our actions that we understand the other person’s point of view, that we are demonstrating that we’ve thought about where they’re coming from and what they need. And we’re acknowledging that that’s reasonable and valid as well, even if it may be in conflict with what we’re asking for. And then the E in GIVE stands for using an Easy manner. So again, like taking it very gentle, very easy. And why we thought this might be helpful during this time is that we’re, so many of us are under strain of all different types, that we are needing gentleness ourselves. And I’ve been talking a lot with people lately about being gentle with ourselves, others are needing that too. So having this kind of gentle, interested, validating, easy approach and asking for what we need, can be really valuable for ourselves and the person that we may be talking to.
Marielle Berg
And this piece around gentleness is super important. I just want to spend a few more moments on that. Because I think we’re all needing gentleness with ourselves as we are doing this imperfectly. And so are the people that we’re close to, the people that we’re living with, or the people that we love and care about who are far away. No one knows how to do pandemic, we are learning this on the fly. And it’s incredibly stressful. So lots of gentleness, lots of compassion for ourselves and others, and awareness of the places where we fall into rigidity or judgment with ourselves or with others, because that creates a lot of suffering and discord in relationship.
Ed Fowler
And again, I think that it is really natural, to become rigid when things feel beyond our control. And, in periods of high stress, to feel like I need these things, this is critically important, the GIVE skill reminds us that if we need to ask for something from someone that we have a close relationship with, and we come to them with a lot of rigidity, they can easily become defensive, and then we’re not going to get what we’re asking for.
Ed Fowler
So there’s a big difference between I need alone time and if you don’t give it to me, then I don’t know what I’m going to do, and I don’t know if this relationship can last, versus taking a GIVE approach which is: I know this has been a really stressful time and I’m really grateful for the ways that you’ve gone out of your way to be helpful to me and I’m also feeling a little bit off because I’m not having enough alone time. Very different qualities in that approach. And I think it’s valuable to be, have that more gentle approach, just because we’re all needing that gentleness. And also because it is more likely that the person would be open to considering our request.
Marielle Berg
You can think about it for yourself, times that someone close to you has had a request for you. And if they’ve come out with their request sort of guns blazing, rather than this, like soft shoe kind of approach, you can think about how you’ve responded. So if there’s kindness and gentleness and lightness about it, for most of us it, it makes our guard go down rather than up, and can make us feel much more open. And in order to be gentle with the people closest to you, you have to remember that you care about them and love them, which I think can be particularly challenging when you are with them 24/7.
Ed Fowler
And I think to be dialectical about it, like we’re recommending ways to be very skillful about noticing, and naming what you need in relationships and asking for that. And the reality is, we are all going to fall short. And we are going to be rigid at times, because we’re really stressed. And we’re going to ask for things in demanding ways, because we just got overwhelmed, and we didn’t think it through. So I think what the DBT skills offer is a way to, when we notice that that has happened, go back, maybe look at some skill possibilities, and approach again, with a different approach.
Marielle Berg
And then the I is acting or trying to be Interested. So when you’re making your request of the other person, you want to try to listen and appear interested in the other person. And if you are sheltering in place with the same person or people all day, every day, which most of us are, it can be really hard to feel interested. We might feel like oh my god, I know, I’ve heard the same thing over and over, you might feel like there is nothing new to learn from the people closest to you. So this may take a little faking, initially with, that that’s part of the act. But if we act interested, we might actually become interested.
Marielle Berg
So thinking about listening to the other person’s point of view, what’s going on with them? How are they doing? And facing the person, making eyes contact again, leaning toward them rather than away from them. And I see this so much in couples, when there’s conflict that the members of the couples don’t even want to look at each other. So they’ll they’ll turn away from each other. So facing the person you’re having the conversation with, that’s a way of showing your, your interest. And if you’re doing this and you’re a DEAR MAN and over video, or over the phone, I think it’s much more obvious if you’re not interested, because it’s so you know, if you’re looking away, that’s very clear, or looking at your phone while you’re talking to them, or I think a lot can come through through just your voice. So you’ll be more found out, or the other person will be more attuned if you’re not showing interest in their perspective. And also with the act interested, be sensitive to the other person’s wish to have the discussion at a later time. And be patient if you need to, because they may not be in the space to hear it in that moment.
Ed Fowler
And again, I think that if we approach someone and say I need to talk to you about something, and they say, you know what, I can’t do that right now, we have a much better chance of them being willing to come back if we say no problem, like, let me know when you’re ready, and I’ll check in with you, you know, in a while, or in a day or whatever. Versus like, no, we need to talk about this now or well, I guess we can postpone it if you insist, but rather just being very open, like okay, definitely.
Ed Fowler
And thinking about what what I want, so that if I was not in a good space to have a discussion and somebody wanted to have a discussion, I would hope that they would be able to be understanding and say let’s postpone.
Marielle Berg
Yes.
Ed Fowler
And so then the V in GIVE stands for Validate, which is really kind of the heart of this GIVE skill, which is noticing and trying to notice where the other person is coming from. What’s their perspective? What’s their point of view? How are they approaching this situation? What will it be like for them to hear my request? What will it be like for them to fulfill my request? So we’re really attuned to where the other person is coming from. And we’re demonstrating to that, that to them. With the words that we say and the actions that we take, we’re demonstrating that where you’re coming from is also meaningful, it’s also valid. I am considering this as part of the equation.
Marielle Berg
Yes, and some validating statements are things like I realize this is hard for you. I see that you’re busy. That, you know, whatever you can say that lets the other person know that you, you get it.
Ed Fowler
And again, I think in planning because with with a DEAR MAN, we always want to be thoughtful and planful, we’re usually not doing it on the fly. And part of the planning could be okay, where’s the other person coming from? And for instance, if I’m asking them to do something, have they already done that, and I want to validate, like when you did this, that I really appreciated it? Or if they haven’t done it, if I want something from them, and they haven’t done it to be able to say like, I know, I haven’t asked for this yet, and so you didn’t may not have known that I wanted this. So that we’re really trying to be thoughtful about what’s their point of view, what’s their perspective, what will they appreciate hearing as part of this discussion, so that we’re really attuned to them.
Marielle Berg
And then the last letter of our acronym, is E, which is for an Easy manner. So I know we’ve been talking about thinking ahead and writing this out and planning for it. And that is wonderful. And if you do that, you might come to the conversation with a lot of intensity. Okay, I’m gonna do my DEAR MAN, let me get all the steps, right.
Ed Fowler
Right, look at my notes.
Marielle Berg
Right.
Marielle Berg
So if the relationship is the most important thing, you want to think about using a lighter touch, so letting go of some of that intensity, even though it might be really stressful and anxiety provoking for you to make this request. So you can use a little humor, you can smile, you know, being lighter around it. So it’s sort of the idea of a soft sell over a hard sell. I feel like this is sort of like a relationship lubricant and that, you know, eases things along, and sort of sets the stage for a more relaxed kind of conversation.
Ed Fowler
Exactly. And I think also the GIVE skill, in general, can be a really nice form of Opposite Action, which we’ve talked about in terms of Emotion Regulation. Like if we’re feeling really tense, in the relationship and feeling stressed, feeling angry, kind of forcing ourselves to be gentle, to have an easy manner, to really listen and validate the other person, can oftentimes help us get more into that mindset of appreciation for the other person of care about them of wanting to keep things light and easy. And so applying the GIVE skill, when we need to ask for something or say no, can sometimes help us shift our mindset so that we’re less stressed and tense in the relationship and in the conversation.
Marielle Berg
Yes, and with all this, and I feel like with every episode that we have recorded around using skills during a pandemic, we don’t want to forget about Radical Acceptance. So just to note, again, that times are really hard for different people, right now in different ways. And you may not be able to get what you want and need from your partner, or your family or kids or friends. And the skill of radical acceptance, I think is so, so useful. And that’s an opening to, and an accepting of what is right now, even if it’s painful. That doesn’t mean that we necessarily approve of it or condone it, but just fully accepting what is and that includes the limitations of others and ourselves during this time.
Ed Fowler
And we use Radical Acceptance, or Distress Tolerance. So that you know, like, for instance, if you if you need to ask for something in a relationship, and the person says no, like, just accepting, okay, they said no, right now. And just accepting that right in this moment, without a sense of like, oh my god, what am I going to do if I don’t get this? I must have this. Just like, okay, they said no, for right now. And kind of, Radical Acceptance can be a way to get us into the moment. Like right now, this is what’s happening. And I’m accepting that this is what’s happening right now. And not so much about because it’s always going to happen, or it’s going to go on forever, or I can’t handle this. Like, no, this is what’s happening now. And so orienting ourselves back to the present moment, because when things are overwhelming, we want to just stay in the present as much as we can.
Marielle Berg
Yes, and we’re wishing everyone lots of validation and gentleness and self compassion during this time. So we’re hoping that everyone can, you know, not perfectly and not in all moments, but can keep in keep these qualities in mind, both for yourselves and your loved ones.
Ed Fowler
Absolutely.
Marielle Berg
Thanks for listening to today’s episode. To learn more or if you’re in the Bay Area and want to get started with therapy you can find us online at bayareadbtcc.com. That’s bayareadbtcc.com.