#31: Self-Soothing Revisited
Do you find it hard to take care of yourself? The DBT skill of Self-Soothing is designed to help you tolerate distress, but it’s also helpful for regular self-care. This episode explores what exactly self-soothing is, when and how to use it, and common barriers to implementing it.
Many of us are going through a time of tremendous uncertainty and multiple losses in the face of a global pandemic. This can wear us down and bring up past traumas, both big and small. Self-soothing is one way to help ease the suffering of this moment.
This episode explores how to use the senses to self-soothe: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. For some people, self-soothing brings up feelings of not deserving. If you weren’t treated with kindness and care as a child, it might be particularly hard to treat yourself with kindness and care as an adult.
Show Highlights
- Regular self-soothing makes you less vulnerable to falling into Emotion Mind
- Use your 5 senses to find creative ways to self-soothe
- Intentionally taking a moment to soothe yourself by looking at something beautiful
- Music can be a way to get in touch with emotions if you’re feeling shut down
- Savoring with taste, take your time and really enjoying it
- Asking yourself: What is getting in the way of self-soothing?
- Am I telling myself I am too busy for this?
- Am I telling myself I need to “earn” self-soothing?
- If you weren’t treated kindly as a child, soothing yourself may bring up grief or anger
- Noting and accepting the resistance to self-soothe
- Trauma histories may make it harder to engage in self-soothing
- It may not feel safe to be in your body, so go slowly, and talk with your therapist about fears
- Balancing the Being Mind and Doing Mind
- Self-soothing happens in the Being-Mind, so if you feel like you have to be productive all the time, it can get in the way
- Opposite Action can be helpful if there is a lot of resistance to self-soothing
- Over time, self-soothing will get easier
- Self-soothing is an opportunity to slow down
- Self-soothing can help decrease a sense of deprivation that often precedes unwanted behaviors
Links & Resources
DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition
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#31: Self-Soothing Revisited Transcript
Marielle Berg
Hello and welcome to The Skillful Podcast where we explore DBT and RO-DBT skills to help you reduce emotional suffering, improve your relationships, and become more present in your life. I’m your host, Marielle Berg, a psychotherapist at the Bay Area DBT and Couples Counseling Center.
Marielle Berg
Today, Ed and I are going to be talking about self soothing, why it’s important, how and when to do it, and some of the things that get in the way.
Marielle Berg
And so Self-Soothing in DBT is a skill that’s in the Distress Tolerance module. So the way it’s usually taught is specifically to help folks get through distressing events without making things worse. But Ed and I are thinking about self soothing these days, in broader ways, in terms of how it can help us get through really challenging times. So it serves as a dual function as a way to help us tolerate distress when we’re having a hard time, but also, doing regular self soothing can help with overall emotion regulation.
Ed Fowler
As we were talking about this, and when when we talk about Self-Soothing as a Distress Tolerance concept, were aware that there is a companion kind of longer term approach to self soothing, which is the Emotion Regulation skill of Accumulating Positive Emotions. And so we’re, as we’re thinking about self soothing, because so many people are going through so much right now, and there’s so much uncertainty in the world, we really all could benefit from an approach of self care, taking care of ourselves.
Ed Fowler
Sometimes that’s a short term immediate thing of, I’m feeling overwhelmed, I need something to bring down my stress, I’m going to practice some self soothing. And sometimes it’s a longer term on a regular basis, I need to be attending to myself, doing things that are kind for myself. And we’re going to talk about that today. Because whenever we talk about this in group, so often what comes up is I don’t deserve this, this is self indulgent, this is too much. And yet we have these skills in DBT, because they’re so valuable in regulating our emotions.
Marielle Berg
Particularly during this time when there is so much upheaval and multiple losses. So we’re talking clearly about the pandemic, which isn’t going away anytime soon, and feels incredibly daunting and overwhelming, for many people. And national and international unrest around race. There’s a lot that’s happening that can be really hard to metabolize. And all of that can feel incredibly draining.
Ed Fowler
I think that I, you know, in talking to people, you know, there’s so much that we see in the news on a regular basis that’s heartbreaking. You know, people sick people dying, people being targeted, and on the receiving end of violence, especially because of race, that, you know, can be so disheartening, and wear people down, and really tap into some of our deeper, unresolved pain in our lives.
Ed Fowler
So we all walk around with stuff that, you know, has been painful in our past that maybe isn’t totally resolved. And when things are especially difficult, all of that can get dredged up. And in DBT, in this effort to seek balance, in order to pursue a life worth living to, to pursue the life we want, oftentimes, we need to, to very purposefully, try to balance out the pain, the suffering, the worry, the sadness, that we’re experiencing, with doing kind and caring things for ourselves.
Marielle Berg
And rather than thinking about it as an an indulgence, or a nice thing for me to do, but not a priority, I really think about it as laying the groundwork to be more effective in our lives and whatever way we need to show up. And I think, especially for people who are drawn to DBT and listening to this podcast, we know that many of those folks and many of our listeners identify themselves as being more sensitive, which means you’re going to feel the pain of the world and your communities more acutely. It’s going to be harder to have it kind of not sink in, it’s going to impact you in a more profound way.
Marielle Berg
And I’m also thinking about anyone who is listening who is in a caregiving role. So I know we have therapists who tune in, and you know, health care workers or child care workers, or if you’re a parent, or caring for an elderly family member, if you’re in any kind of caregiving role, whether in your family life and or your professional life, the call or the need for taking care of yourself is even greater. And the danger of that falling by the wayside or being ignored, I think, is also higher during this time, because things can feel urgent, or doing other things can feel urgent rather than taking care of ourselves.
Ed Fowler
So when I think about self soothing, it really is about striking balance. That when things are hard, we do need that other side of doing caring and kind things for ourselves, being attentive to ourselves, listening to what we need. And I’m thinking of people who are healthcare workers. And what we’re seeing in the United States right now is the parts of the country that haven’t had as many people affected by COVID 19 are now having big surges.
Ed Fowler
So health care workers are in a new areas are now being drawn into working overtime and having to deal with intense amount of sickness and suffering and death, really making efforts to balance that with kindness to ourselves. I’m thinking of all the people who are caring for loved ones, under very extraordinary circumstances, people who are worrying about loved ones making that effort to balance that care, that worry with doing things for ourselves, in order to stay effective in our lives.
Marielle Berg
And the reason why this is so important in order to stay effective is because when we aren’t caring for ourselves, it can really lead to a sense of deprivation, which can also be a fertile ground for emotional dysregulation and perhaps engaging in behaviors that you’re trying to avoid.
Marielle Berg
So, and I think with this, this skill and Self Soothing and Accumulating Positive Emotions in the Short Term, because we’re talking about them, somewhat simultaneously, not doing these things, not taking care of ourselves, not self soothing, or trying to accumulate positive emotions in the short term, not doing this doesn’t have the immediate impact often, or we may not notice it until a long time has gone on.
Marielle Berg
And then we, you know, look back and realize why am I so irritable? Or why am I feeling so overwhelmed? Or why every day is it hard to get out of bed? So it’s it doesn’t sort of hit you over the head, which is a terrible way to talk about it. But you know, as the way, maybe some other skills can where you sort of can see an impact pretty quickly, like if you go through a Check the Facts or Opposite Actions. These skills are more subtle, so you won’t necessarily notice their absence in the same way. And then on the flip side, you may not necessarily notice the positive benefit when you start doing them regularly, immediately. But it’s a slow kind of accumulation. And that over time can really make the difference in how and how you feel.
Ed Fowler
And before we start talking about specifically how to do self soothing, another thing that comes up when we talk about this skill in group is that oftentimes people come to DBT, because they have some sort of behaviors that are causing them problems. So they’re doing things impulsively, often, in order to manage distress. And this is where any kind of addictive or compulsive behavior or lashing out or anything that brings really quick immediate short term relief, that causes problems in the long term that we want to change.
Ed Fowler
Self soothing, can be a helpful replacement for that. But self soothing, and doing something really kind and caring for yourself is not going to have the same intense impact as some sort of addictive behavior that you’ve been doing for years that you get immediate relief. The difference is that immediate relief often comes with consequences on the other side, whereas self soothing, you’re not getting the same intense, like, Ah, this feels so great, I’m done. But over time, it really does build up. And there isn’t a cost to self soothing. We usually feel better about ourselves afterwards. And so this is an opportunity to shift from behaviors that have short term impact to behaviors that have long term impact.
Marielle Berg
Really thinking about the question that is one that we pose in DBT. Would you rather have a good day or a good life? Ideally, we would probably want both.
Ed Fowler
Yeah, why not both?
Marielle Berg
But some of that short term thinking, like I just want to feel better now, can sometimes work against our long term goals. So if we’re just thinking about immediately relief, obviously, each day, we’re not thinking about how is this day after day going to help me or help me move towards the life I want or move me away from it.
Marielle Berg
So let’s, let’s talk a little bit about what Self Soothing is exactly. And then we’ll maybe explore some different ideas about how to practice it. And then we’ll also talk about some more things that get in the way of doing it.
Marielle Berg
So essentially, self soothing, is as it sounds, it’s being nurturing, comforting and gentle with yourself. And as we said earlier, the reason why we do this is because it tends to make us less vulnerable to falling into what we call Emotion Mind. And as you were saying Ed, acting impulsively. And right now I think we’re all especially vulnerable. And I say all, I know that the pandemic, and racial unrest is impacting different people in different ways. But no one is untouched by it.
Ed Fowler
And I do think that there are a lot of people who are not recognizing how much they’re being impacted by current events. And so being able to recognize, okay, I’m stressed, I’m feeling overwhelmed, or shut down, I’m just numb, and I’m needing something. And that’s where self soothing, what the way we talk about in in DBT is using our five senses as a way to do things that are caring and kind for ourselves. So thinking about activities that we can do, using one or more of our senses that bring a sense of soothing.
Marielle Berg
And so you know, our five senses being what we see what we hear, what we smell, what we taste and what we touch.
Ed Fowler
So for instance, like using sight or vision, as a way to access self soothing, would be doing things like looking at the stars at night, if you have that possibility. I know people in very urban areas, it’s not as much of an option. But you know, being able to, like just look at the stars look at a painting that you really like, look out the window at, you know, whatever nature is around you that feels soothing to you, taking a walk in an area that feels really visually stimulating or engaging, using those kinds of things to think about, okay, what can I look at that would bring me a sense of soothing?
Marielle Berg
And my hunch is that many people have things that they are seeing in their daily lives that could have the potential to be soothing or nurturing, if only they brought some mindfulness to it. So I know this for myself, too, that you know, just in my neighborhood, there’s some trees, I don’t know what kind of trees they are, because I’m not knowledgeable about trees, but they’re beautiful, as many trees are, and how many times do I walk by them and not really notice? You could do this with your, you know, your cat or dog, or anything in your home that you find visually appealing, really noticing the pattern on a throw pillow or, or anything. You know, a beautiful meal that you prepare or lighting a candle. So there’s likely lots of opportunities if you just kind of slow down and notice to intentionally take a moment to soothe yourself with looking at something beautiful. And we could say that this applies for all the other senses too.
Ed Fowler
Yeah, it’s really like self soothing, does require mindful awareness. Because we can easily be like, okay, yeah, that’s pretty, and we’re not taking it in. And so the whole point of this is we want to feel the soothing from whatever we’re engaging.
Ed Fowler
So like right now, one of the things I’ve done to try to create a sense of soothing in my workspace, which is my bedroom, in order to kind of differentiate, is I have a couple of flowers in here. And I’m just, as Marielle was talking about, and I’m looking at my flowers, I’m like, Oh my God, those are so pretty. Oh, that yellow color is so nice. It’s like really noticing these things that give us visual soothing.
Ed Fowler
Another thing that I’ve heard people talk about a lot in the past few months is like video games as a form of self soothing. And Animal Crossing in particular is one that I don’t play, but I hear people talking about. And just last week, somebody was saying that they like to go to the museum in Animal Crossing and look around, and it’s so soothing to them to just spend some time looking at the museum in Animal Crossing. So we can find this visual soothing anywhere that works for us.
Marielle Berg
And then the next sense is hearing, so what you hear. So that could be sounds of nature or your child laughing or, of course, music, playing an instrument, singing. I mean, not if I sang, but maybe if other people sang. Anything around sounds. And again, there’s likely times in your day where there probably are sounds that are soothing. And we just, you know, wind chimes, things like that, if you just taking a moment to pause, and really and intentionally listen.
Ed Fowler
You know, one of the things that I appreciate sometimes is listening to like ocean sounds, even though I’m not really near the ocean at the moment, like being able to like, just listen to that. And it helps me visualize being at the ocean in times of peace and that kind of thing. I definitely appreciate listening to music as a way to help me just feel some comfort, get into my emotions, especially if I’m finding it hard to access my emotions, which is something that we can struggle with. Like it, especially if we’re going through a lot, oftentimes, it’s easier to kind of shut our emotions down than to feel them. But then we feel kind of that stress of unexpressed emotion. So music is a way that I can get into that, express whatever I’m feeling, letting the emotions come and go. So music can be a really helpful way to engage in soothing.
Marielle Berg
Our next sense, our sense of smell, this is one that I’m particularly drawn to. So smells of, you know, nature, trees, or grass and flowers, certainly, any kind of scented products that you’re drawn to, or natural oils, even basic things that are, again, exist in your everyday life. The smell of laundry,or hand soap, if those are, are scented, and you like that, and you’re not allergic to it, these can all be brief moments where you can check in and, and be with the lovely scents around you, as a way to, again, intentionally soothe yourself.
Ed Fowler
And for me, working from home at this point, and needing to wash my hands a lot after going out in any way. Like I’m really getting into trying to smell my hands often and appreciate it, rather than just like kind of rushing through the process of washing my hands. But like looking for those small things that can give me a moment of like, okay, that’s a nice smell and enjoying that even for just a moment.
Marielle Berg
Yeah, and I feel really fortunate that I have that and sounds like you do too. Do you have a particular scent you’re enjoying these days?
Ed Fowler
I have, I’m coming to the end of a pine scented soap, which I think I probably got in December.
Marielle Berg
That’s probably Christmas.
Ed Fowler
I know exactly. It was like, Oh, hi, that’s nice, I’ll have that. And I really love the smell of pine or trees in general, cedar, those kinds of things. And so I’ve actually kind of grieving the fact that this is almost over, and I’m gonna have to wait until December to get more. But then I, I’ve already I’m like, Okay, so the next one up, I think is lavender or something like that, I’m gonna get into that. And so it’s like, Yep, I’m gonna find my self soothing where I can.
Marielle Berg
This, we’ll talk about this in a minute. But I’m just thinking about how many of us are deprived in different ways in terms of our normal routines, and connection with others. And the small things, as silly as they may sound, can if again, if you do it intentionally can be a moment of pleasure, which which is so needed, and it’s something that can be pushed to the wayside.
Marielle Berg
And so then our next sense is a sense of taste, so eating or drinking, anything that you really enjoy. Allowing yourself to really be with whatever you’re eating and drinking. So this is not the you know, plopping in front of the TV with whatever snack food you have, which which has its place, I’m not knocking that. But intentionally saying, you know, I’m gonna eat something or drink something that I really enjoy.
Ed Fowler
Right. And again, all of this is about being able to savor it. And many of us know, and some people will use food as a way to kind of numb out and be mindless, which again, can be valuable at times. But you know, I hear so often from people of like, oh, I ate that thing. And I really tasted it. And it was amazing to take my time and go slow, and be mindful and appreciate it.
Ed Fowler
One of the ways that I like to use taste is, and Marielle knows this quite well, is gum and having different flavors of gums. So that there’s this new exciting thing when I finish a pack, what’s the next flavor going to be? And I can so easily just pop the gum on my mouth and just chew, chew, chew and don’t even notice what I’m tasting, when this is very specifically something that I use for self soothing.
Ed Fowler
And so for me, it’s like really trying to slow it down. Notice the flavor, appreciate the flavor, not do my thing that I often do, which is like okay pineapples, good, but what am I going to have next when this pack is gone? But just like pineapple is good, I’m eating pineapple which is obviously the flavor of the day today. So like really just like having those small things to kind of enjoy and appreciate.
Marielle Berg
Yes and then our last sense is touch. So a long hot bath or shower or petting, you know, a dog or cat, or giving yourself a foot massage or giving a loved one a foot massage. You know, lotion, hugging for, you know, friends and family, for many of us as as off the table unless it’s someone that we’re living with. So I think there are ways that we’re all probably feeling some degree of touch deprivation, so getting creative and thinking about how to use touch to soothe and calm yourself.
Ed Fowler
And again, like being able to be creative about it. So being aware of the feeling of your sheets as you’re getting into bed at night. And just like, okay, feeling the soothing of those sheets, in whatever way, feeling, you know, like the feeling of water as you’re doing dishes, we can find it in many, many different ways,
Marielle Berg
Soft blankets around your home, you know, running your hands along smooth wood, I mean, there’s there’s many opportunities to use our sense of touch too in a way that also feels caring and nurturing.
Marielle Berg
So now that we’ve gone through all the five senses, and given given different examples, let’s talk a little bit about some of the barriers or some of the things that can get in the way of us doing this. Because it sounds it can sound really lovely, and nice and very simple. But I think it’s often more complicated or can bring up complicated feelings and people to take time to do something like this, we’ll get into more detail. But the overarching theme, when I hear people struggle with this is a feeling of, I don’t deserve this. It’s not going to make a difference. It’s indulgent things, things like that.
Ed Fowler
Right. And I think it is helpful to acknowledge if we’re struggling to do things that are self soothing, and to kind of like notice, what is it for me that’s getting in my way? Is it that I’m telling myself, I’m too busy for this? Is it that I’m telling myself that I should earn this, so once I do a bunch of quote unquote, productive things, then I can have some self soothing? What specifically is making it hard for me to do something kind for myself, whatever that might be?
Marielle Berg
If you can identify that, or identify the different things that make it hard, obviously, it’s much easier to challenge some of those beliefs or refute some of them. And over time, like a little bit of Opposite Action can be helpful here. To kind of doing it anyway, even if you’re sort of rolling your eyes like, Okay, I’m gonna make this cup of tea and like, really just be with it, yada, yada, yada. But like, I think over time, it will, it will get easier.
Marielle Berg
And I think another really big barrier has to do with how you were treated as a child. So when we’re doing self soothing, we’re intentionally doing things that are nurturing. We are intentionally doing things that are nurturing and kind and loving towards ourselves. And if you weren’t raised in a family where you were treated that way, self soothing is especially hard.
Marielle Berg
And when you engage in a self soothing behavior, like okay, I’m gonna take some time now and draw myself a nice hot bath with some kind of essential oil or bubble bath or light a candle that smells really good. Like I’m gonna take, you know, a half hour for myself, it actually can bring up some grief. Because you may realize, like, oh, I I’m not used to treating myself that way. Because I haven’t been treated that way in my life.
Ed Fowler
Or it also can can bring up you know, resistance. So you find yourself in the bathtub, thinking I gotta get out of here, this is stupid. And it may be that for whatever reason, that is really emotionally charged. And you know, as you’re engaging in self soothing or you’re struggling to start to engage, mindful awareness of what’s happening, noticing, trying to just notice what’s happening right now, and being gentle with ourselves.
Ed Fowler
So for instance, if you find yourself in a lot of grief if you start practicing self soothing, or a lot of anger, or just, you know, you start doing it, and even once you get it going, you’re feeling a lot of resistance. Just noticing and accepting that I’m not trying to change or be different, but just noticing and saying, Okay, this is where it is today. And then try again.
Ed Fowler
Or, for instance, if you’re finding that you’re really struggling with resistance, or overwhelming emotion when you’re engaging in self soothing, that’s where you probably want to reach out for support, whether from a therapist or a really trusted friend, or family member, but to like talk to somebody about what you’re experiencing, so that you don’t just kind of get stuck in whatever that reaction might be.
Marielle Berg
And related to that, I think trauma histories also can make it very hard to engage in self soothing, particularly, if you’re particularly doing some of the self soothing, like we talked about the bath or things where that require you to be in your body more. So if you are a trauma survivor, it may not feel very safe to be in your body, your body might be a place that you’ve tried to escape from. And so you might want to think about using senses that are less evocative. So that might have to do with what you see and what you hear, I think touch can be really, really challenging for some trauma survivors.
Ed Fowler
And so again, it’s like really noticing what’s happening for me, because Self Soothing is a skill in DBT. Because we need it as human beings, we need that balance. One of the things we talk about in DBT, sometimes is the balance between Being Mind and Doing Mind. And so the self soothing is more on the being side versus doing. And we can get a lot of messages about productivity. And
Ed Fowler
So we do need self soothing in order to strike balance, it’s proven to be really valuable for Distress Tolerance. So if we’re struggling, we take that seriously, we notice it, we talk about it with somebody who can help us with it, versus saying I should just do self soothing or self soothing is stupid, I don’t need that. But just kind of noticing, being aware, and choosing how to move forward in a way that’s gentle, because this is about soothing. So we don’t want to force it too much. But that’s also moving us towards what’s going to help us strike balance in general.
Marielle Berg
Yes, and I think we talked a little bit about this in the beginning. But as we come to the end for today, keeping in mind that no, this is not going to change the world. This is not going to get us out of this pandemic, or shift racism, or any other kind of injustice in the world. What it can do is fortify you enough to keep moving forward, and living a life that aligns with your values.
Ed Fowler
One of the things I’ve been hearing from people who have kids or grandkids that are living with them, or that they’re needing to take care of a lot more, which can be such a struggle, because kids really do demand a lot of time and attention and energy. And oftentimes kids get emotionally overwhelmed, which for those of us as adults who can get emotionally overwhelmed, it’s like really helpful to see like, this is just a natural human thing. This happens, but dealing with for instance, children’s emotional overwhelm, I hear people talking about teaching them DBT skills as a way to help them parenting or grandparenting, or caring for as well as to help the child.
Ed Fowler
And so you could think about if there’s people in your life that are also struggling, talking about how are you soothing yourself? What are you doing for self soothing? For people who are really the target of a lot of racism, a lot is up right now. And the world is can seem really intense. And so being able to say what am I doing to soothe myself, talking to loved ones about what are you doing to soothe yourself, all of us, no matter what we’re going through, need this kind of attention to care for ourselves and for each other. And so being open about that, trying to practice it, sharing it with others what you’re doing as a way to motivate yourself in them. All of this can help us keep moving forward.
Marielle Berg
And we’re recording this at the end of June. It is June 29. And this episode will probably come out sometime in July, in case you’re listening to this in real time. And then we’ll take a break for the rest of the summer and resume episodes at some point in the fall.
Marielle Berg
Take good care of yourself until then, practice lots of self soothing and all the other wonderful DBT skills that we discuss here on the podcast.
Ed Fowler
And thank you to everyone who listens. And thank you for your attention to yourselves and doing things that are helpful to you. I think Marielle and I do this because we believe so strongly in the skills and the value and the benefit to us as individuals, but to the world as a whole. So keep it up, keep going and we will look forward to talking to you and hearing from you, because we do like listener letters, as we get into the fall.
Marielle Berg
Thanks for listening to today’s episode. To learn more, or if you’re in the Bay Area and want to get started with therapy you can find us online at bayareadbtcc.com. That’s BayAreaDBTCC.com.