#33: Ten Common Communication Myths
Today’s episode explores ten common interpersonal myths. These myths can prevent us from being as effective in relationships as we like.
Some of these myths are about how we “should” be or how others “should” be. Some of these myths are about conflict, or about whether it’s ok to assert our need or say no.
Often we learn these myths from our families when we are young, and it’s helpful to recognize and name them so they don’t dictate what we do in relationships.
In this episode, we unpack each myth: where they come from, and ways to challenge them so you can improve your interpersonal skills.
Show Highlights
- I just don’t deserve to get what I want or need in relationships.
- This myth is about feeling like you have to earn care or feeling at a deep level that you are not deserving.
- Asking for things makes me look weak or like a wimp.
- There is an underlying belief that needing things in a relationship is asking for too much. This is also related to difficulties with vulnerabilities and the belief that you should always be self-reliant.
- Conflict is a bad thing.
- Many folks haven’t learned how to have different needs or opinions, which can make conflict feel dangerous or scary. Many of us have also had the experience of conflict not getting resolved, which is painful. Conflict is uncomfortable and inevitable, and we need skills to tolerate the discomfort.
- Avoiding conflict often means that important things aren’t being said and are getting buried which damages relationships in the long run.
- If I ask for something or say no to someone, I can’t handle it if they get upset with me.
- This myth is related to the previous myth about conflict and not being able to manage it. We all need to take risks in relationships by asking for what we want or saying no at times. This is one way to ensure you’re having authentic connections with others.
- If someone says no to me, it will kill me.
- This particular myth crops up a lot in dating due to fear of rejection. Distress Tolerance skills can help you manage rejection in dating. If you can’t handle someone saying no, then you might never ask for things, which spells disaster for relationships.
- Asking for things is selfish, pushy, or bad.
- This is related to the myth that you don’t deserve to ask for things. This myth also assumes that being assertive is a negative thing. Conditioning around gender roles and different cultural norms also informs this myth.
- It’s not ok to say no or it’s selfish to say no to others.
- Sometimes it can feel like saying no is more rude or selfish than asking for things. We might make the assumption that saying no to someone’s request will hurt them but we can’t assume this. Sometimes saying no to someone’s request will hurt their feelings and this is unavoidable.
- Being a good partner, parent, child, friend, etc. means I should be able to put their needs ahead of mine.
- This myth is based on extreme thinking: either I am taking care of myself or others. Sometimes we do need to put our needs ahead of others.
- I shouldn’t have to ask for what I want or need. It’s a sign of your love of caring for you to just know what I need ahead of time.
- It feels great when those close to us intuit our needs, but expecting this to happen 100% of the time is unrealistic. Other people can’t read our minds; we need to articulate what we want or need.
- They should just know better.
- There is a lot of judgment in this myth, and judgments in relationships often cause the other person to go on the defensive.
Links & Resources
DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition
Subjective Units of Distress Scale (SUDS)
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#33: Ten Common Communication Myths Transcript
Marielle Berg
Hello and welcome to The Skillful Podcast where we explore DBT and RO-DBT skills to help you reduce emotional suffering, improve your relationships, and become more present in your life. I’m your host, Marielle Berg, a psychotherapist at the Bay Area DBT and Couples Counseling Center.
Marielle Berg
So welcome again, Ed. Today you and I are going to be discussing 10 common myths that get in the way of being interpersonally effective.
Ed Fowler
Yes, I find this to be really helpful to explore the things that are rolling around in our heads about interpersonal relationships and interpersonal effectiveness that can easily get in the way, but that we don’t always notice.
Marielle Berg
So the reason why we chose to talk about this today is because we often find that behind some of the struggles that folks have in their relationships around communication are often missed. Things that they’ve learned in their families, things that they’ve just sort of picked up along the way. And these myths can create rigidity and thinking and difficulties, unnecessary difficulties in relating to others. So we thought it would be useful to kind of name some of the most common myths that we hear.
Ed Fowler
These are things that, as we go through the list of 10, which then we could do many more than this, but as we go through the list, I’m sure that listeners will recognize a lot of them and think, oh, wow, yeah, I have, I do think that, I have thought that. And because they just sound so convincing, we don’t always notice.
Marielle Berg
And as always, we’re working out of the DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets by Marsha Linehan. And you’ll find a version of many of the myths that we’re talking about today in that book.
Ed Fowler
And I, when we go over this list in our skills group, we usually ask people to kind of think about which of these do you believe when you’re in your Wise Mind, which do you believe when you’re in Emotion Mind. And it’s always funny, because people will say like, it’s titled “myths,” so it kind of gives away that these are all things that are not necessarily Wise Mind approaches, but nonetheless.
Marielle Berg
Right, the myths is a giveaway, it is a giveaway. So let’s let’s jump right in. The first one is, “I just don’t deserve to get what I want or need in relationships.”
Marielle Berg
For this one, I think a lot about difficulties with self worth, and/or receiving. That somehow, there needs to be, you need to work really hard to be able to receive care or to have your needs met.
Ed Fowler
And I think this is a theme with a lot of the 10 myths that we are going to talk about today and the other myths that that people come up with. Because I do think that there, it can be easy to get the message along the way in our lives, that our being able to be taken care of by other people, being responded to by other people, is dependent on our own actions.
Ed Fowler
And so we have to earn asking for what we need in relationships, when the reality is like we just, we all have needs in relationships. We all need to ask for that we need to be clear about it. We also don’t deserve to have all our needs met, we do need to ask for it, or they won’t be met at all. There’s no way to kind of get those needs met unless we ask. And if we preempt the asking by saying “Oh, I haven’t earned this, I don’t deserve this.” We’re buying into that myth that we have to earn other people’s care for us.
Marielle Berg
Yeah, I think under this myth, or for folks who believe this very strongly, there can be a sense of, like, there’s something wrong with me, I’m just not a good person. Like a deep sense of being flawed on a fundamental level, and that’s very painful. And I think sometimes people walk around believing that, but don’t really quite name it, but it comes out in some of their actions or how they interact with other people.
Ed Fowler
Right? And I think with with all these myths, and this one in particular, being able to identify, “Okay, this is a myth that I do hold, that I don’t deserve to get what I want in relationships,” to just acknowledge that rather than be like, “Okay, from now on, I’m going to start deserving.”
Ed Fowler
But to be able to just name it, notice it pay attention to it. And not just go with it and say “No, I do not deserve to get what I want and need in relationships,” but to say “Okay, am I, is that thing coming up where I feel like I don’t deserve to ask for what I want?”
Ed Fowler
So then the next myth that we are looking at is “Asking for things things makes me look weak, or asking for things makes me seem like a wimp.”
Ed Fowler
And I think this is one that I’ve definitely bought into at various times, of needing to ask for things in relationships is needy, that’s the judgment, that I’m being needy if I if I need to ask for things, if I want things in relationships. And I do think it gets back to that unexamined belief that needing things in relationships is somehow demanding too much.
Marielle Berg
Yes.
Marielle Berg
With this, I also think about vulnerability. That for some people, they can feel super vulnerable, asking for what they want and need. And if you feel so vulnerable, and open and undefended, that can bring up feelings of being weak, right? If you’ve gotten the message that you should always be tough, and you shouldn’t need anything, and you should just take care of yourself,
Ed Fowler
Right. It kind of, that’s what underlies it, is that I should be able to take care of myself, I shouldn’t need help from other people. And again, it gets back to that reality. And what I appreciate in DBT, is that dialectical balance of I do need to take care of things for myself, and I do need help from other people at times. How do I strike that balance instead of falling into this myth of like, either, I am taking care of everything myself, or I’m weak?
Marielle Berg
Right, right. So there’s this, this middle ground there. Or this idea that both are true.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
So the next one, which is one I know I hear so often, I know you do, too, is as well Ed, is “Conflict is a bad thing. Or I can’t stand conflict.”
Ed Fowler
Right.
Ed Fowler
And I hear this a lot. And I actually think this a lot.
Marielle Berg
Say more.
Ed Fowler
Yeah, I think that this is, for many of us who didn’t have the opportunity to learn how to have conflict in an effective way, to have competing needs or to be able to ask for what we need. Conflict feels like a fight and scary and angry. And so we can have this automatic assumption that any type of conflict is bad, and dangerous.
Marielle Berg
And with that automatic assumption, I think many of us, myself included, we’ve had the experience where conflict doesn’t get resolved. And if we can tolerate the uncomfortable feelings that come with conflict, and hold that, we can be pretty upset with someone and care about them at the same time.
Marielle Berg
Often on the other side of conflict, there can be more closeness, if you’re able to stick with it and work through something that’s challenging. And I think, you know, many folks just don’t have that faith because they haven’t actually experienced it, or they haven’t learned yet the skills to help them withstand how uncomfortable having conflict is.
Ed Fowler
Right. If we haven’t had the experience of conflict being resolved in a positive way, or haven’t had it very often, it is easy to just feel like all conflict is bad. And I do think that when we’re able to effectively work through conflict, which is what the DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness skills are all about, is to be able to have some confidence. Because we have a roadmap for interpersonal communication, we can have confidence of working through things, which can help us to take the risk, and then hopefully get some experiences of conflict being resolved without a huge amount of anger and difficulty and disruption.
Marielle Berg
Yes, and I work a lot with couples, and when there isn’t conflict at all, I get worried, because I think about what what’s getting pushed under the rug. What isn’t getting said and it’s it’s, I think, not a great sign.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Ed Fowler
And I think it’s one of the things I appreciate the most about a DBT approach is trying to always maintain a dialectical balance. So when we’re really on one side, for instance, if there isn’t conflict, to be able to ask the question, like, is there something that’s not being said, so that we’re not missing anything? Is there something we’re missing here? Because there is always a balance.
Ed Fowler
And so there is always difficulty. Sometimes it’s minor and we blow past it. But sometimes there’s stuff that if we have a belief that conflict is bad, we’re, it’s going to take a while to build up enough frustration in a relationship before we actually say something. And that’s where things can blow up, because it’s built up for a very long time.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. And when things blow up, we might want to respond in kind by escalating, or by ghosting or leaving the relationship. And so trying to find a middle ground and how to respond can be really tricky.
Marielle Berg
And as we’re talking about this, I’m thinking about a friend that I’ve had for many years, where there was recently, and it’s not, it hasn’t been a conflictual relationship at all. And there recently was a very big conflict that, in my mind, she instigated. In her mind, I do think that warranted her getting upset with me. And I had to keep sort of soothing myself, or using kind of self soothing talk of saying, you know, I’ve known this person for so many years, there’s no way of real, and what I mean by that, like an authentic friendship can happen without any conflict.
Marielle Berg
Like there’s, I think we’ve just been lucky that that hasn’t happened before. And that doesn’t mean that the friendship is ending, or we were, we’ve outgrown each other, or, you know, any of those kinds of places where I felt like I was I was going. It means like, we have something to work through. And it’s, it’s going to be hard.
Ed Fowler
Right?
Ed Fowler
And again, I think that the myth is that all conflict is bad. The reality is sometimes conflict can be helpful.
Marielle Berg
Yes.
Ed Fowler
And so if we can embrace it, and practice some of our skills around Interpersonal Effectiveness, conflict can actually bring us closer to people that we really care about.
Ed Fowler
Yeah.
Ed Fowler
So the next myth, number four, on our list of 10 is kind of similar. “If I ask for something, or say no to someone, I can’t handle it if they get upset or angry with me.”
Ed Fowler
So there’s, I think, in that and assumption that if I have to ask for something, then if people say no, or if I have to say no, and they get upset, I can’t handle it. It’s going to be angry, it’s going to be, you know, a big blow up. And we can fall into that trap of assuming that asking for something is going to end in like a huge blow up, and we’re going to be very hurt by somebody saying no to us. When we’ll never know whether that person would be able to give us what we’re asking for until we ask. So this assumption can really get in the way.
Marielle Berg
Yeah, and then it is similar to the conflict is a bad thing. And I feel like this myth, and the one we just talked about, meaning the conflict is a bad thing. And the one we’re going to talk about next, or myth number five, are all sort of variations on the same kind of theme of: I can’t handle conflict in relationships. So it’s just sort of a different flavor, right.
Marielle Berg
So if you’re believing that if you ask for something, or you say no to someone that you’re not going to be able to handle their reaction, or if they get upset or angry with you, then think about what that’s going to be like for you in relationships. You’re only going to ask for things if you’re certain that someone could give them, give that to you. So you’re not going to take risks in your relationship, you’re not going to go out on a limb and maybe ask for something that might be challenging, but it’s really important for you, and it’s going to be really hard for you to have limits, right? If you’re gonna be worried if you say no, that the other person is gonna get upset or angry with you, and you’re not gonna be able to handle it.
Ed Fowler
And when we fall into this myth, we really get lost in extreme thinking that, oh, if I asked for something, they’re going to say, no, I’m going to be devastated, it’s going to be awful. And that’s really kind of a worst case scenario, that often doesn’t happen.
Ed Fowler
And what I appreciate about DBT skills is that we’ve got lots of options to take risks with. For instance, asking for things, we can use Interpersonal Effectiveness skills to be well prepared when we ask, we can use Distress Tolerance skills, or Emotional Regulation skills to handle any emotions that we feel if the person does say no, or if they don’t receive it.
Ed Fowler
Well, the value of DBT is that we can have more confidence in challenging some of these myths by taking the action we’re afraid to take. For instance, asking for something or saying no, and risking having someone reject us in some way, and that we can have options for handling it. It doesn’t have to be quite so scary.
Marielle Berg
Yeah.
Marielle Berg
So myth number five is, again these are all have similarities to them. But this has a slightly different emphasis. So this one is: “If someone says no to me, it will kill me.” It’s a little stronger than number four.
Ed Fowler
Yeah.
Marielle Berg
But someone that, that this myth is more about not being able to handle a no.
Ed Fowler
Yeah.
Marielle Berg
And with this one I think about because, you know, if someone says no to me, it will kill me, I think that, or I imagine that, you know, shame can get really activated if we ask for something, like a raise, and we’re told no, or something, something else. Because we can start to feel like, oh, I shouldn’t have done that I was I was so foolish to think I deserved that.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
What was I thinking?
Ed Fowler
Right? Like, I think thinking about this myth, it reminds me of a period in my life where I was wanting to date and terrified of having people say no, so I just avoided dating altogether for a long time. And again, because I fell into this myth of “If someone says no, it will kill me,” it will be too devastating for me to handle. I can’t handle that rejection. And the reality was, I didn’t have the Distress Tolerance skills, or the Emotion Regulation skills to manage someone’s legitimately just saying, no, I’m not interested. And I needed to build that up before I could challenge this myth.
Ed Fowler
But living in this myth was so isolating and so lonely, because there’s no way out of it. Like if I, if I can’t handle someone saying no, then I can’t ever ask. And so for instance, and this comes up, I see this a lot with people around dating. It’s like, I not gonna, I want to try to date, I want to have a partner, I want to get involved with other people, even friendships, I want to get involved in things. And I’m terrified of being devastated if people say, no, or are not interested. And therefore I have to stay alone, and I feel so lonely. And then we get into that trap.
Marielle Berg
I’m so glad you brought up the dating thing, because that is a place where people really get stuck. And so many painful feelings come up. And I think particularly, in that realm, or with relating to others in general, with friendships as well, again, I think shame can come up, and a lot of fear.
Marielle Berg
Oh, you know, if I, if someone says no to me in the dating realm, it means there’s something wrong with me, right? Like, all your worst fears about yourself are true.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
No one’s ever gonna love me, I’m gonna be alone for the rest of my life, so all those kinds of things? And yes, as you said earlier, we have lots of skills in DBT, such as Check the Facts, that can help you with some of those feelings.
Ed Fowler
Right, right.
Ed Fowler
And again, I think, you know, as we’re going through this, I’m recognizing how many of them I relate to. How often I hear them from other people, both in my work, as well as in friendships and all kinds of relationships. So as we’re going through this list of myths, if people listening are feeling like, Oh, God, I relate to that and are feeling some shame about it, I hope that the one message that you will take is that these are so common, that so many of us struggle with this.
Ed Fowler
We don’t usually go around saying, oh, yeah, I’m terrified that if someone says, no, it’ll kill me. We tend to hide that, we don’t talk openly about it. So we don’t know how many other people are struggling with these same myths and feeling kind of trapped by them. And the way out is to work through it.
Marielle Berg
Yes, and not only do we not go around saying we believe these myths, I think a lot of times, at least for myself, I don’t even know I’m believing that until I till it’s named. I’m like, right, yeah, I believe, or at least a part of me, or sometimes when I’m feeling more emotionally unstable part of me believe that, right?
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
Or when I’m under a lot of stress.
Ed Fowler
Right, exactly. So, myth number six on our list of 10 is: “Asking for things is selfish, or pushy or bad.”
Ed Fowler
So this idea that if we’re if we need to ask for something in a relationship, any kind of relationship, we’re being selfish. You know, again, it goes back to the whole, we don’t deserve to ask for things with this twist of like, yeah, you’re you’re being selfish, if you have to ask.
Marielle Berg
Yeah, that, yeah, you’re being selfish. And there’s a piece around self worth here, where it gets coupled with making requests, says something bad about who you are, when it is human. We have to ask for things all the time, as basic as getting the correct change in the store, right?
Ed Fowler
Yes. Yeah. Like I, again, have struggled with most of these myths at one time or another, sometimes very, very deeply.
Ed Fowler
So for instance, just this past weekend, I was out to dinner and got overcharged on the bill, and really had to struggle to say I got overcharged. Could you take this off and not be like, Oh, should I just let it go? Because it comes back to that like, oh, it would be rude to point out to the server that they made a mistake, and that I got overcharged. And even though I feel like I’ve worked through a lot of these to a significant extent, this stuff still can come up.
Ed Fowler
And the difference for me now is that I was able to be like, Okay, you do not just have to eat this charge. You can just say and of course the server’s like, Oh, I’m so sorry. And it was an easy thing. Some people and people listening may relate to this. Some people are just like, of course, you asked to take that charge off the bill. What’s the big deal? Of course you asked for the raise, of course, you ask for the date, whatever it might be. But for many of us, there is the sense of like, oh, it would be so pushy, to ask for that kind of thing.
Marielle Berg
Somehow, asserting yourself as is not okay.
Ed Fowler
Right, right.ght.
Marielle Berg
I’m wondering if you could just say a little bit more what helped you in that moment? Like, we can unpack it a bit.
Marielle Berg
Yeah.
Marielle Berg
To tell the server.
Ed Fowler
I think the biggest thing was to recognize I am falling into that myth from my past, which is, it’s not okay to ask, it’s the polite thing to do. This is the like the twist that comes from my family, hi, mom. That you being polite is really important. And it’s impolite to point out another person’s mistake. And so therefore, it’s selfish.
Ed Fowler
And I was able to, like in that moment, kind of look at the bill and stare at it. and think, Oh, I could just, it’s not that messed up that much. It’s not that big of a deal. I could just let this slide. Or oh, I could take it out of the tip, maybe. And I’m like, oh, and then I look like a jerk because I tip low, right? So I was like, oh, okay, so here’s my thing that’s come up before. And I can ask, and so I did ask the server, was very responsive, and it was resolved. And I kind of forgot about it until this moment.
Ed Fowler
But what helped was having to do that so many times when it was even harder. So so much of what we do in DBT is this repetition of these new efforts, and new skills and new ways of doing things until those become a little bit more automatic. And the old, for instance, the old myths can slip in easily. The more we practice recognizing the myths, trying to work against it, I kind of used my Interpersonal Effectiveness skills to ask for the charge to be taken off, it gets easier and easier to do it the next time, even though some of the old stuff will continue to come up.
Marielle Berg
Yes, and one of the things you were talking about is, this is something that you learned in your family growing up, it was something that your mom, and Hello, Ed’s mom, held for herself, probably she learned from her parents and so on.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
And that they’re, you know, in different families and different races and cultures and countries, we know that we happen to have listeners all over the world, which is really exciting for us that there’s going to be different kinds of norms, around asking for things and saying no, so just to keep that in mind.
Ed Fowler
For me, recognizing that that extreme thinking of “It is always selfish to ask for something,” was kind of warping what I learned as a child, which is to be polite, you know? And I over learned that and took it to an extreme, which I’m quite sure that my mother did not mean to teach me. So to give her credit. And we can fall into that.
Ed Fowler
Certainly there are some cultures where it really is impolite to ask for things, and figuring out within your own cultural context, how to work with this, to be able to ask for what you need, in whatever the context might be. Because if we never ask for things, that’s gonna be difficult. So working with that, with probably does take a little bit of thinking and practice.
Marielle Berg
Yes.
Marielle Berg
So the next one is, again, similar, and then the one after that, but number seven for myths is: “It’s not okay to say no.” Or another way of thinking about this is “It’s selfish to say no to others.” And so I think if you are the kind of person who tends to believe that it might be selfish or bad to ask for what you want, you might also believe that saying no, is, it’s not okay.
Ed Fowler
Sometimes I feel like the saying no is even more rude or selfish than actually asking. Because it seems like just saying no, is the worst thing you could do. And again, that’s another myth. That that, and one of the things I talk about a lot with people that I’m working with, is that for those of us who feel identify with having strong emotions, we know that if someone says no to me, that’s painful, that hurts. So we don’t want to hurt someone else in that same way. And we’re making this assumption that saying no will really hurt when the reality is sometimes saying no, people are like, oh, okay.
Marielle Berg
Yeah, it’s not a big deal for some people. Sometimes it is. So if we go to the dating context, so if you’re interested in someone and they’re not interested in you, and they essentially say no to you, it probably does hurt quite a bit. It can feel really bad.
Ed Fowler
Yeah.
Marielle Berg
But if you’re on the other end of that, if someone’s interested in you, you’re not interested in them, you have to be able to say no, it’s actually even though it’s like the sting, maybe initially. It’s sort of like ripping a band aid off versus peeling it off very slowly, like you need to let the other person know, and it’s a benefit to them to know that you’re not interested right off the bat so they don’t get more invested.
Ed Fowler
And again, when I think, to my struggles with dating, this was the flip side of that coin was, it would be devastating to have someone say no to me. And it would be devastating to have to say no to somebody I wasn’t interested in. So I’m just going to stay alone, I’m not going to engage any of that. And then complain to everybody about how lonely I am and how I wish I could have a partner. And so then that’s where it’s like, it took a lot of effort to identify these myths to work with the underlying assumptions there. And the fears, because it’s really all about fear, I won’t be able to handle it, they won’t be able to handle it, it will be devastating for all of us. These really kind of overblown assumptions about the very natural human thing of needing to say no, sometimes.
Marielle Berg
Yes.
Marielle Berg
The next one, similar with a little different nuance, is: “Being a good friend,significant other, child, parent, (put, you know, any role in there that you have with someone else, employee, employer) means, so being a good whatever means I should be willing to put their needs ahead of mine.”
Marielle Berg
So this is in the vein of the one we were just talking about, where underlying this is an assumption that the way we care for others, or the way that we are in relationship with others, is putting other people’s needs ahead of our own. And yes, particularly if you’re a parent, you’re doing that all the time.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
That being said, the analogy in the plane, which we’ve all heard probably a million times you put your own mask on first, I don’t know if a parent has ever actually put their own mask on first. Like under that freakout situation, I hope no one, listening is ever in that situation, right? The instinct where I would imagine would be to help your child first. But if you’re not taking care of yourself, or spending some time tending to your needs, particularly as a parent, it’s going to be super hard to show up and parent the way you want to.
Ed Fowler
And I think so many of these myths are based in this extreme of either or. So either I am I taking care of someone else, or I am taking care of myself, there can’t be any balance between those. And the reality is that we do sometimes need to put other people’s needs ahead of our own. Sometimes we need to put our own needs ahead of others, that it’s a case by case basis, or relationship by relationship basis.
Ed Fowler
I think about for instance, parents and children. So often parents have to put their kids needs ahead of their own for a long time. But then people age, and then children sometimes need to put their parents needs ahead of their own as their parents get older.
Marielle Berg
Yeah.
Ed Fowler
And so there’s, there’s always this balance of like, what’s needed in this moment, what makes sense in this relationship right now, instead of these extreme assumptions of, I’m only a good whatever, if I’m taking care of someone else, or I’m only taking care of myself, if I’m taking care of myself first. That we need to be looking for that balance, that’s what’s most help, most helpful.
Ed Fowler
Okay, so our ninth out of 10 myths about interpersonal relationships is, “I shouldn’t have to ask, it’s a sign of your love or caring to just know what I need ahead of time.”
Ed Fowler
And I hear this quite a bit. And sometimes it’s really entrenched, especially what I find is for those of us who identify as having strong emotions, and a lot of empathy, and we understand people a lot. We often know what other people need. We’re attentive to that, and so they should know that about us as well. And the should in there as a sign that this may be we’re getting into unhelpful territory.
Ed Fowler
Because it is so common for other people not to know what we need unless we actually say it. And it can be such a trap, to be waiting for someone to guess what we need, when they would be happy to give it to us if we just asked, but they don’t know they’re not sure. And so this is where we can really get into trouble.
Marielle Berg
Absolutely.
Marielle Berg
And this is, I think about this one and the next one we’re going to talk about, is related to mind reading in relationships. Or like wishing our significant other or the people closest to us could just read our minds. And I know, I sometimes feel badly for my significant other, because I know as a therapist, I am trying to attune to other people’s needs all the time. And so I start to equate that with being a good person and being a caring person. And then when I come home, I really want that for my relationship. And no one can read my mind, I have to ask for what I want to need, I have to say no.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
And so this is one where I can get really, really stuck on.
Ed Fowler
Right, yeah.
Ed Fowler
I think that this is a myth that we really need to challenge when we notice it coming up, because it can be really destructive to relationships. Inherent in this myth is, you should know what I want without me having to say it, which means you should also know that I’m holding this myth and expecting you to know what I want. And so the other person can’t win.
Ed Fowler
And so that’s where I think that there’s a lot of work that we need to do on our own, around a lot of these other myths as well to be able to like, put our assumptions to the side, put our desires, it would be great if other people knew what we needed, without us having to say it. That’s not always the case. Some people are really skilled at reading what other people need. Other people are not, they just don’t have that skill. And we all know people who are, think they’re good at reading what people need, and they’re off. And it’s like, no, I didn’t actually ask for that. I don’t need that. Please don’t force that on me. And so that’s where I think we often in our work around Interpersonal Effectiveness, recognize that the most effective thing is to just identify what I need, and specifically ask for it.
Marielle Berg
And I’m glad you brought up the other side for folks. And I might fall into this camp where I think I’m anticipating what other people need when they might not actually and that can be pushy and very presumptuous of me.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
Not actually attuned. I also think this one can be related to a very young place in us. And by young I don’t mean immature, but younger parts of us, or younger parts of ourselves. Because when we’re babies, ideally, we have a caregiver that’s attuned. And, you know, because we don’t get to we don’t ask, no, please change my diaper, please feed me, please help me whatever. So you’re 100% reliant on our caretaker to just kind of figure it out.
Ed Fowler
And this is the reality, is that we all are walking around with all this history. And it is just part of being a human being that our earliest days, we are completely relying on other people guessing what we need, and there’s part of us that still relates to that. And as adults, we know, people can’t guess, right? Some, some people are good at it, some people aren’t. Instead of falling into the trap of people should guess what we need we just need to ask. If they’re not guessing, we need to ask.
Marielle Berg
Yes. And that leads nicely into our final Interpersonal Effectiveness myth, which is: “They should just know better. Or if they really cared about me, they would just do what I want, or care for me the way I want.” So again, this is around mind reading, around the wish that the people closest to us would anticipate our needs.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Ed Fowler
Like they, they should know that I don’t like that, why do they bring that up? They you know, that all these shoulds about other people. So I think most of these myths are shoulds, about either ourselves or others, I should not have to ask for things, I should be more conscientious of others, they should know what I want without me having to ask. And the reality is that there is no should.
Marielle Berg
Yeah.
Ed Fowler
It’s just like, we’re human beings. And sometimes we get it. And sometimes we don’t. We all need to ask for things, we all need to say no. Challenging when we find ourselves feeling frustrated in a relationship, probably there’s a should in there.
Marielle Berg
This doesn’t mean that it doesn’t feel super good when someone does kind of know better, because they know you know what, I’m not going to make this dish super spicy. Because I know, my good friend doesn’t like that. Like that’s kind and attentive, right? So that feels great. But when we translate it into this more rigid, someone should just know better, and if they don’t, and they make the dish super spicy, it means they don’t care about us. I think can create a bunch of problems. Because there’s a lot of assumptions in there. Maybe they forgot. Maybe they don’t think it’s that spicy.
Ed Fowler
And again, I think that for instance, if if I really don’t like spicy things, and I’ve said it many, many times and you keep making spicy things for me, you’re not attuned to me. Like I do need actually a little bit more attunement. Like how many times do I need to say this before you actually remember what’s important to me? So it’s not an either or, either they’re always guessing or they’re never guessing. It’s like we want people to be attuned at times. We can’t rely on them to be attuned all the time. If people are not attuned to us, or if we’re not attuned to them, we need to talk about it.
Marielle Berg
Right, and assess, you know, how well the relationship is working and what might need to be shifted, if anything.
Ed Fowler
Right, what are our options rather than getting stuck in this always like, they should always know what I want.
Marielle Berg
Yes. So before we end, let’s read through all of our 10 myths again. Would you want to take the first five, and I’ll do the last five?
Ed Fowler
So, number one: I just don’t deserve to get what I want or need in relationships.
Ed Fowler
Number two, asking for things makes me look weak or like a wimp.
Ed Fowler
Number three, conflict is a bad thing.
Ed Fowler
Number four, if I ask for something, or say no to someone, I can’t handle it if they get upset or angry with me.
Ed Fowler
Number five, if someone says no to me, it will kill me.
Marielle Berg
Six: asking for things is selfish, or pushy or bad.
Marielle Berg
Number seven, it’s not okay to say no. Or another way of saying this one is it’s selfish to say no to others.
Marielle Berg
Number eight is being a good friend, parent, child, spouse, means I should be willing to put their needs or someone else’s needs ahead of mine.
Marielle Berg
Number nine is I shouldn’t have to ask for what I want to need. Or it’s a sign of someone else’s love or caring if t just know, they can read my mind.
Marielle Berg
And number 10, related to number nine, is they should just know better. If so and so really cared about me they wouldn’t do that thing that upset me, or they would just do the thing I would want.
Ed Fowler
So I would say you know, like think about these, notice them. They’re, I’m sure we all relate to some of them at times. And when we are able to notice them at at play in our relationships, we can question them and maybe look at some other options besides just taking these as fact.
Marielle Berg
Yes. Great. Thank you. Thanks for listening to today’s episode. To learn more, or if you’re in the Bay Area and want to get started with therapy, you can find us online at bayareadbtcc.com. That’s BayAreaDBTCC.com.