#34: Getting Through the Holidays

As we close out the year, new skills may be needed to help you get through a holiday season that’s unlike any other. Marielle and Ed discuss skills to help you cope and cultivate moments of joy.

Isolation, a constant for many people these days, might be intensified during the holidays. Not being able to be around friends and family for the holidays is painful but for others, it may feel like a relief.

Naming and making space for uncomfortable emotions like sadness, loss, fear, and frustration is important. Mindfulness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance skills can help you move through some of these emotions. 

DBT Skills Discussed

• Mindfulness of current emotions
• Accumulating positive emotions in the short-term
• Nonjudgementalness
• Contributing
• Creating meaning 
• Comparisons
• Radical Acceptance

Show Highlights

• Sadness and loss as a continual theme
• The power of the pause, knowing you don’t have to act on your emotions
• Asking: I am feeling this? What do I need?
• Making an effort to do nice things for yourself on a daily basis
• Thinking about using your senses to care for yourself
• Staying mindful when you do nice things for yourself
• Harsh judgments can create emotional reactivity
• Finding ways to reach out and help others takes the focus off ourselves
• Taking space where we can observe and describe our emotions
• Creating meaning out of what we are going through
• Remembering times in your own life that were very hard that you got through
• Radical acceptance as a way to bring down distress
• Resistance to radical acceptance is often about not wanting to feel painful emotions
• Emotional pain is intensified by a lack of acceptance

Ask us a Question

We’d love to hear from you! Where are you getting stuck with your skills application? Ask us a question for the chance to have it answered on the podcast. Submit your question here. 

Please note that questions, and this podcast in general, are not a substitute for individual mental health treatment.

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#34: Getting Through the Holidays Transcript

Marielle Berg 

Hello and welcome to The Skillful Podcast where we explore DBT and RODBT skills to help you reduce emotional suffering, improve your relationships, and become more present in your life. I’m your host, Marielle Berg, a psychotherapist at the Bay Area DBT and couples counseling center. So welcome, Ed.

Ed Fowler
Thank you.

Marielle Berg
Today Ed and I are going to be talking about getting through the holidays using skills. And we did an episode like this last year. And we were–Ed and I were talking before we started recording about last year’s episode and how different times were. And we thought that an episode about this very unique holiday period would be helpful to listeners.

Ed Fowler
Yeah, I think that when we were kind of looking at what we talked about last year, there’s so much around travel and spending a lot of time with family. And so much of that is going to be different this year for most people. And so we wanted to think about ways to be mindful and aware of what’s going on for each of us right in the moment and what we might need and some skills that can help us no matter what our holiday seasons look like.

Marielle Berg
Yes, and let’s begin by maybe just kind of assessing or recapping where we are, although everyone probably already knows that. But just to just to name it, because there’s there’s power in that. And there’s a way that especially for people who have been invalidated chronically while growing up that they may still have a tendency to invalidate themselves when times are hard. So times are really, really hard. Really hard. Yeah. And it’s it’s been so many months now, and there’s no clear end in sight. And this is a challenge in in many different ways. And it kind of pulls on our resources.

So some things that maybe we engage in, or that we found helpful in the beginning of the pandemic, about nine or so months ago, maybe don’t have the same power or efficacy now. Perhaps something new is needed. And I think our general sort of stamina, or at least I’ll speak for myself, my stamina, and people I work with; and also people in my personal life are reporting similar things that there can be a ongoing emotional fatigue, around dealing with all the different things that living in a pandemic brings.

Ed Fowler
I think I’m so aware of people who have felt more isolated during this pandemic. And for some people not being able to be around family and friends in the same way during holidays, is something that is like a new layer of difficulty and challenge. For other people, there’s a sense of relief of like, ah, I don’t have to be around friends and family during the holidays, which is a lot of pressure. So for each of us, it can be a little bit different.

But for sure a lot of people there is a sense of like, wow, I’ve spent so many months more isolated, not in as much contact with people personally. And now it’s holiday time. And I’m not probably going to be having a lot of that either. And so we just want to be able to acknowledge where we are, what’s going on for us and to name what may be a new layer of challenge or struggle that we may be facing as we get towards the end of the year into winter for a lot of people or for our listeners in the southern hemisphere. During summer, things are different and just being able to acknowledge, okay, so here’s where I am now. This is what I’m dealing with now and validating that, whatever comes up is what comes up.

Marielle Berg
And just on that note, you know, in our groups, when we begin the emotion regulation module, we start with spending some time on language for emotions, and pointing out the major emotions and all the different sort of sub emotions. So we could say like anger is a general emotion category and irritation is a form of anger that’s on the lower level. And rage is also a form or a subset of anger that’s on that higher level. And so that can be really useful to begin to sort of get a grip on or validate or acknowledge to yourself what you’re feeling.

So I think for many people, there’s some some level of sadness and loss and so that can be depending on your situation if you’ve lost loved ones, if you’ve lost jobs or careers or there can be a whole host of, of losses, obviously loss of connection with others, safety, predictability. So that can be, you know, very intense grief or can be a more lower level or less intense and want to say lower level to imply that it’s less important, but kind of less intense sadness, or grief. And I think just getting familiar with that. So that naming for ourselves and acknowledging is really a starting point.

Ed Fowler
I think that the there’s a skill in emotion regulation called mindfulness of emotions. And this is getting into that like applying our mindfulness skills, to our own emotions. So being able to observe and describe the emotions that we’re experiencing, to name them for ourselves to notice and take a little bit of time to just notice the nuances of this emotion. So okay, taking, slowing down a little bit to say, I’m feeling sad, what is the sadness? How am I feeling this? What does it feel like physically? What’s the character of the sadness? How does the sadness compare to other sadness I’ve experienced in my life? All of that is taking a step back from being in the emotion, and observing it with just a little bit of space that can help decrease the intensity of the emotion at times, and can just give us more information about what’s happening for us.

And as a result, because emotions give us information, what’s the information here? What’s needed? What is this emotion asking for, from me? So noticing, okay, I’m feeling sad, this is actually a different sadness than I felt at other times of my life. Other times of this year, this is what that sadness feels like physically for me. And here’s what I think I might need in this sadness. This might be what the sadness is asking for, maybe it’s soothing, or maybe it’s connection with others, or whatever it might be to just mindfully notice all of that in order to not just be in our emotions and not ignore or push them away.

Marielle Berg
Yeah, so there’s a, you know, I’m glad you mentioned that, because there’s a way that we can go to extremes. So either were in a place of suppressing or denying or pushing away our emotion. Like, I don’t want to see that I’m not feeling that, it’s not happening, doing a maybe more ineffective or unhelpful distraction, versus I’m totally going to sink into my emotion and just kind of get lost in it, maybe take action that is not particularly effective. And so when we’re practicing being mindful of our current emotion, we’re tapping into and acknowledging our emotion, and also trying to avoid acting impulsively on the emotion. Because when people have a tendency to avoid checking in with themselves, to notice what what emotions are present.

Many times underlying that can be this fear, like if I feel what I’m feeling, if I know what I’m feeling–and since we’re going with sadness, because I think that’s such a common one, right now–I’m not going to get out of bed, you know, for the next three months, or until we have a vaccine, you know. That “I’m not going to function,” that can be the fear. I don’t want to feel my emotion because it will overwhelm me. And so when we’re practicing being mindful of our emotion, we’re reminding ourselves: we don’t have to act immediately, we can take some time to reflect, as you said, add on thinking about what’s a skillful way, what’s an effective way for me to respond with love and compassion to this emotion that’s coming up.

Ed Fowler
And so, you know, sadness is one that for a lot of people, the end of the year, holiday times can bring some sadness, in general. And I think during this pandemic, time, like any emotion that we have, can be intensified just by circumstances. Things are different things are unknown in many ways. And so sadness, I think, is one that that can be common, and we want to be really gentle with that sadness. Obviously, fear is another one, we’ve been living with this pandemic for a while, what’s going to happen? What’s this going to mean for me and people I care about? And so fear is another emotion that might be prominent and I’m kind of naming these things to validate that these are our responses that lots of people are having.

Anger can be really present, that the frustration with this ongoing struggle, and again with with no clarity about when will we have something that’s more familiar, and when will we not have to deal with a pandemic, and feeling frustrated with the way that different people are handling things, just noticing these emotions and rather than diving into them, rather than trying to just like rev them up, or, or just really get stuck in them. What we want to be able to do is notice them next aim them and kind of figure out okay, so I am feeling this, what do I need?

Marielle Berg
Yes–and that leads me to think about the skill of accumulating positive emotions in the short term, which is also in our emotion regulation skill set. And so we may not have the same options at hand that we did pre pandemic for having positive or small positive experiences. So we might have to get a little more creative. But this skill of accumulating positive emotions in the short term is kind of an antidote to painful emotions. So if we can take the time to carve out a little space where we do small, nice things for ourselves, it’s not going to change the world, it’s not going to change your whole life. But it can provide a moment of comfort and soothing. And I think these things which can be easily lost in the shuffle of everyday life, can actually be in the like, slow kind of drip-drip, and the accumulating part of it can be very, very powerful.

Ed Fowler
And so the the nature of accumulating positive emotions is that we do something on a regular basis, that we identify things that make us feel good things that provide positive emotions for ourselves pleasant activities, that we enjoy. And we really make a conscientious effort to try to do those things on a daily basis. And, as Marielle said, the slow drip-drip, it’s like, instead of like, we compare this so much to the skill of self soothing, which is under distress tolerance, which we utilize, doing something using our senses, that’s really soothing for ourselves when our distress is really high, as a way to kind of bring the distress down, to be able to allow the distress to come down naturally. So that’s like the quick action, self soothing for distress, accumulating positive emotions as the extended release, where we’re doing something on a regular basis that builds up positive emotions within us, which increases our emotional resilience decreases our emotional vulnerability.

So especially in a time, of a lot of stress in general, and a time of year, that can also be quite stressful, we want to be able to have that emotional resilience of doing things that feel good for us regularly. And here in the United States, you know, doing things like drinking warm beverages, and watching shows that are really nostalgic for us and going wherever we are going for walks outside and enjoying the particular seasonal sights and sounds, those kinds of things that we can do on a regular basis can make a huge impact, just a little something can really increase our sense of emotional resilience.

Marielle Berg
Yes, and as we’re talking about the skill, I want to point out some stumbling blocks that aren’t common. And so the thinking of like, “this isn’t going to make a difference,” kind of procrastinating. And like, “what’s the big deal” that can get in our way of really experiencing the pleasure. So being being aware of that, if that’s where your mind goes, and if that keeps you from doing the thing. And being mindful, when we’re doing them the nice thing, so finding a moment to kind of pause and be with it with that hot beverage, or with you know, recently decided I needed a very warm coat, which I haven’t needed since I’ve lived on the West Coast. And I when I when I bought it, I kept in mind the skill, and I got a very bright color, which isn’t really like me. Because I’m going to be outside a lot more. That’s where my social time happens, my limited social time.

And so how can I ask–we got some really cozy socks and some other things. How can I turn these small actions into moments where I am mindful of of the pleasure or the the joy even if it’s momentary that comes in, in in doing these things, rather than saying–which I have to admit I did do some of that–I don’t want a big warm parka. You know, that’s why I left the East Coast. I don’t want to be you know, freezing and you know, I didn’t want to deal with snow which I still don’t have to deal with. But being like okay, this is the reality right now how can I how can I make, how can I find moments of joy and pleasure in this even if it’s small?

Ed Fowler
And again that that action of purchasing the more warm clothes and then each time you wear them being able to mindfully remind yourself, this is warm, right? So that’s part of the mindfulness aspect of accumulating positive emotions is not just like doing the positive activity, but actually really mindfully being aware of it. Like, okay, this coat is really warm, what does that feel like? I’m outside for an extended period of time, and I feel warm. That’s nice. Let me enjoy this and appreciate this, instead of again, on the other end of that, which instead of building emotional resilience that will build our emotional vulnerability, is taking the approach which I know that I’m prone to, which is, ah, it’s so cold, I hate it. I wish it wasn’t cold, I’m sick of cold. Why is it so cold? Why does it always have to be so cold, and so chill. And so which hence, that’s why we live on the west coast. So and even on the West Coast, I say, it’s too cold, I hate it.

So being able to, like just really change our focus, to notice things that are pleasurable and mindfully engage. And those activities, be a part of what feels pleasurable about it can really help build up our sense of emotional grounding?

Marielle Berg
Yes, and when, when we teach this skill in our groups, and I’m sure, when we’ve talked about this in podcasts before, we’ve also mentioned that for for some people can be really hard, it feels like I don’t deserve this, especially when other people are struggling. So I know when I got my new warm coat and some other things, for the for being outside in cold weather, I had some sense of like, I shouldn’t be doing this when people are struggling. This isn’t right. So seeing if you can put that aside, because it’s not it’s not effective, and let go of thoughts of deserving or not deserving. Because that can really get in the way of us accumulating positive emotions.

Ed Fowler
Which I think gets into another valuable skill, which is the skill of non judgmentalness. Being able to just notice a name without added judgments can be so valuable at any time. But certainly during a time of potentially a lot of pressure and a lot of stress. Rather than saying, Oh, this is too cold, just to be able to say it’s cold, I feel cold. To be able to notice things and just say okay, so I’m I feel cold, I’m drinking this warm tea, that feels soothing, just really being in the moment, non judgmentally can, again, keep us out of the extremes that will make things feel harder.

Marielle Berg
Yes, because when we are in that very judging place, or judging mind, that’s where a lot of emotional reactivity can come from. And so when we’re talking about being non judgmental, we’re not saying you have to pretend that things are okay, or make things okay. I think sometimes that can be a place where folks go, which I totally get. But we’re talking about something a little bit different here, where, when we’re practicing, being non judgmental, we’re acknowledging our emotions, we’re acknowledging our preferences, our wishes, but we’re not judging them. So it’s a noticing, it’s a little bit of stepping back from our experience to comment on it, versus just being in it. And when we are often just in intense emotions, and really judging ourselves, and the circumstances, that’s when we get a lot of painful emotional reactivity. And I want to actually circle back to where we started, or something you had mentioned in the beginning of the podcast about isolation and loneliness, which is something that is really up for a lot of people right now. And I think has been or can be, during the holidays anyway, particularly for people who don’t have the relationships in their lives that they may want, or may have more troubled family relationships.

So that sense of low, everyone’s having a great, wonderful family time can be very painful for a lot of folks during the holidays. And there’s can be a lot of pressure to have a certain kind of experience. But now during the holidays for most people, there is going to be some sense of disconnection. Even if you do have positive family relationships, or have the kind of social life or connection you want to have, most likely you’re not going to be able to see those people in the way you want to, you know, as freely as safely Are you for many people, you’re not going to be seeing those folks at all. And that that can feel very isolating. And so let’s talk a little bit about some skills to help particularly with that unique experience this year.

One thing that comes to mind is, and this is part of our distress tolerance, skill set, is around contributing. And so finding ways is to reach out and help others. This has many functions. This takes the focus off ourselves for a moment and our own suffering. So thinking about someone perhaps who’s also isolated, or maybe even more so or someone who has a chronic illness or who is elderly, or, you know, overwhelmed parents of young children. So finding some way to reach out, where you take the focus off yourself, and you check in with someone else, or you send them something, or you do a favor for them, this is one small way that can help often ease our sense of loneliness and isolation and make us feel useful in a way that I think we all need to feel.

Ed Fowler
So and I think that another, and this kind of goes along with that, so the contribution is under our wise mind ACCEPTS skill, which is an acronym in distress tolerance. And another acronym in distress tolerance is the IMPROVE skill. And the M and improve stands for creating meaning. And so it can be helpful. And again, we use what works. So sometimes these actually might not speak to us, and might increase our distress, in which case, then don’t use these and use something else. And sometimes, like trying to create meaning out of what we’re experiencing can be helpful. Creating a sense of, for instance, like, I’m feeling really isolated, I recognize that my neighbor is also really isolated. So I’m going to cook something for them and leave it at their doorstep. And that’s a way that I’m contributing to them. And I’m creating meaning, I’m doing something to help someone else. I think that that can be a way to reframe what we’re experiencing, to be able to say, for instance, for people who really enjoy being around family who are far away and may not be able to do that this year, to celebrate this holiday in a different way.

To be able to think of creative ways to engage with people, and create a sense of meaning out of this particular year. And these particular circumstances, that might be a way to not just get lost in the sadness, or the disappointment or the frustration, but can give us again, a way out so that we’re not feeling stuck with unwanted emotions.

Marielle Berg
So and where we began, we talked a lot about acknowledging, and then how do you want to move it or shift things so you feel perhaps a bit of relief or respite from the painful emotions. And so contributing to others making meaning in whatever way you can. Another skill that falls under this category, in our wise mind ACCEPTS distress tolerance skills, is comparisons. And so this one can be a little bit tricky. So I’ll talk a little bit about it and experiment with it. And if it is effective for you, great, and if it isn’t, then you can focus on other skills. But when we use the skill of comparison, we can think of times in history where people have struggled in similar ways or worse. And this can help give us some perspective and some can alleviate some of the intensity of the the pressure cooker, that that life can feel like these days.

So there unfortunately, is no shortage of terrible things in history that we can compare this to. But that that can be that can be helpful at times, we can also use comparisons to compare our situation to those who even have less who are struggling more, and this can help them and this isn’t to invalidate your experience or to say, Well, I’m not homeless living on a, you know, on the street. So therefore, what do I have to complain about? So this is why I started by saying it can be a little bit tricky. But if you don’t go there, if you don’t invalidate your own challenges, if you can acknowledge them for yourself, the comparisons can be useful to be like, Oh, let me have gratitude for what I do have. I have a roof over my head, I have a warm jacket, I have food to eat, whatever it might be.

Ed Fowler
And I think another way to use comparison is to remember times when we have really struggled in our lives that we got through. So if you’re struggling now, you can compare this experience to other times and acknowledge like, Oh, that was also really hard. And I got through it. And I learned from it and here’s the ways in which I grew even though I would never want to repeat it. I I feel like I have moved on from that. Because I think oftentimes where we can have high distress is a sense of like, I feel bad now, and I’m gonna feel bad forever, this will never pass. And the reality is we’ve had many times in our lives where we’ve struggled, had painful emotions had situations that were really overwhelming. And almost always we’ve gotten through in one way or another. So comparing ourselves to other times in our lives, particularly with an emphasis on that was hard. And here’s how I got through, I can maybe get through this as well.

Marielle Berg
That can be so helpful. And it’s interesting that you bring this up, because just this morning, as I was anticipating our episode, today, I was thinking about our audience, and many of the clients we work with, and how past painful experiences past traumas, I think can sort of cut both ways. There’s a way that folks who have trauma histories, I think, can be struggling more so now, or are struggling in a in a different way, where, you know, childhood uncertainty, or fear, or chaos, or danger, can can really get amplified in a way that I think is really, really hard during this time. And so we’ll see, you know, increasing rates of PTSD symptoms of depression, anxiety. And I also was thinking that there’s, there’s some kind of silver lining there, because folks who have experienced trauma in their past know, that they can get through, because they have, especially if there were traumas when you were young, where you had very few resources at hand. And you know, you’re an adult now. And there’s, there’s, there’s so many more choices, even if it feels limited, because we’re in this global pandemic.

Ed Fowler
And again, like being dialectical about it, one of the aspects of trauma that can be so hard is that when we are activated by old pain, and that our nervous system gets turned on in that way, it can be really hard to remember, Oh, wait, I am an adult. Now. I do have power, I do have the ability to do things for myself that I did not have when I was in similar painful experiences when I was young. And so the act of seeking to recognize, oh, where do I have power? What can I do? How is this different than other times when I might have felt overwhelmed? can be so valuable in getting unstuck from old pain, unstuck from current pain.

Again, with with all these DBT skills, what we’re looking for is the flexibility to notice something is off and the I need something to be different to do something different in order to feel differently, what can I do? What are my options? I’ve got lots of options, which ones will I choose? Instead of kind of the emotion mind approach where our emotions are just so strongly, it’s like, I have no options, nothing will help. I can’t do anything, it’s always been bad for me, it will always be bad. And that’s such a painful place to be. Whatever we can do to get a foothold to say, hold on. I have skills, what skills can I try? That can help us to turn that around and not feel quite so stuck, even when we’re dealing with a lot of pain.

Marielle Berg
Yes, well said.

Ed Fowler
One additional skill that we haven’t talked about yet, which is one of the premier well known DBT skills is radical acceptance, radically accepting reality as it is, in the moment, specifically as a form of distress tolerance, to accept reality as a way to bring down our distress. And I think that during a time where there is quite a lot of uncertainty, and many people are struggling in one way or another, it can be really hard to accept what’s happening. And our distress can really go up when we say it shouldn’t be like this, I shouldn’t have to be going through this. Or they shouldn’t be handling things this way. They’re doing things in a dangerous way or whatever it might be to pull into just noticing what’s the reality here. And just being with that and saying this is what is, this is the reality right now, without judgment, without a need to change. Yet, this is my big thing about radical acceptance is, it’s one part of the balance of acceptance and change because always change is an option.

We start with radical acceptance just to quit fighting reality, to not spend energy saying, oh, it shouldn’t be this way. I hate this. I wish it wasn’t like this. I wish I wasn’t like this. But just just say, this is what’s happening, this is what I’m experiencing, this is where I am right now. And just slowing down and allowing ourselves to be with that a little bit, can start to shift us out of a lot of pain and discomfort.

Marielle Berg
And as a reminder, acceptance does not equal approval, we are not saying when we are encouraging radical acceptance as a way to move through and out of pain that we are approving at all. And so that that can be a something that can get in the way for people when they’re trying to radically accept, we’re just saying that this is the reality. And many times there’s a resistance to full acceptance, radical acceptance, because there’s emotions on the other end. You know, if you fully radically accept that you can’t see your loved ones over the holidays, and it’s just going to be you maybe alone or in your small pod of the folks you live with. It might be a lot of sadness, there might be cheer.

But if you can allow those emotions and be mindful of them, which kind of brings us back to one of the skills we talked about, at the beginning of this episode, the mindfulness of current emotions, if you can do that, on the other side of that allowing the emotion to kind of run its course, there can be a sense of peace.

Ed Fowler
So often, our pain is accentuated by our lack of acceptance, that we are experiencing something that can be painful, that can be really frustrating or hurtful or sad. And by saying it shouldn’t be this way or I hate this, we’re actually just accentuating that pain. And if we can say, this is how it is, and I’m so sad, that’s hard, that’s really hard to do, I think takes a lot of other distress tolerance skills, to manage that to be able to go back and forth, we can’t be in this kind of acceptance, if it’s especially painful, we can’t be in that acceptance all the time. We need to do a little bit here and there.

And as Marielle said, we can get some peace when we’re not fighting reality. When we’re saying, Okay, this is what it is. And for me personally, because I’m much more change oriented in general, I really appreciate reminding myself, acceptance is the starting point for change. So first, I accept. And once I’ve accepted that I can look at what might I change. Is there something I might do differently? Applying some of the skills that we talked about earlier in this episode would be something that would be helpful to address after we’ve accepted, here’s what I’m feeling, here’s the reality I’m dealing with and just being with that, allowing whatever emotions are there.

And then from there, we start to look at what made a change, versus I hate this, I gotta do something I’m going to create meaning and they said meaning so I’m going to find a way to create meaning. It’s like, oh, that has a different quality than being able to say, oh, I feel so lonely. I’m I’m really, really struggling and allowing that a little bit and then saying how can I create meaning from this?

Marielle Berg
Yeah, that seems like a nice note to end on. So this, this will likely be our final episode for the year we’ll come back in the new year with new new episodes and we’re wishing everyone a safe holiday season, whatever that’s going to look like this year.

Ed Fowler
And and know that Marielle and I are constantly thinking about the people we work with and and the people who listen to this podcast, and know that we’re hoping for you that you’re able to apply these skills in a way that really increases your contentment in your life, even in the midst of what might be hard, and that we are looking forward to how do we keep this going in a new year.

Marielle Berg
Thanks for listening to today’s episode. To learn more. Or if you’re in the Bay Area and want to get started with therapy, you can find us online at bay area dbt cc dot com. That’s bayareadbtcc.com