#12: Distraction & Self-Soothing to Ride out Painful Emotions
Marielle and Ed continue their conversation about Distress Tolerance focusing on Distraction and Self-Soothing. While these skills won’t solve any problems, they can be super helpful when you are caught up in painful emotions.
Distraction in DBT is broken down into separate skills that go by the acronym ACCEPTS as in Wise Mind ACCEPTS.
“Sometimes choosing to push emotions away is the most effective thing to do in the moment.”
Ed Fowler
Show Highlights:
- Choosing distraction is very different than unconsciously avoiding
- Sometimes it’s wise to not fully experience your emotions
- These skills can be used when you have a strong urge to fix a problem immediately
- You can also use these skills when you feel an urge to engage in a behavior you are trying to stop
- A – Activities
- C – Contributing
- C – Comparisons
- E – Emotions
- P – Pushing Away
- T – Thoughts
- S – Sensations
- Different activities redirect your attention to something else – away from the painful emotion
- Figuring out what activities hold your attention when you’re upset
- Contributing can have a secondary benefit of creating a sense of purpose or meaning in your life.
- Comparing our pain to others can put our pain in perspective
- Comparing your current situation to other hard times in your life can help you feel like you can get through
- To use emotions to distract, first figure out what you are feeling and then do something that evokes a different emotion
- Pushing away is shutting out or blocking your painful emotion
- Self-Soothing with your five senses: sight, sound, taste, touch and smell
Links & Resources:
DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition
SUDs (Subjective Units of Distress) scale
Would you like to ask a question and have the chance for it to be answered on the podcast? If so, please use this form. Please note that asking a question and this podcast in general is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for individual mental health treatment.
#12: Distraction & Self-Soothing to Ride out Painful Emotions Transcript
Marielle Berg
Hello and welcome to The Skillful Podcast, where we explore DBT and RO-DBT skills to help you reduce emotional suffering, improve your relationships, and become more present in your life. I’m your host, Marielle Berg, a psychotherapist at the Bay Area DBT and Couples Counseling Center.
Marielle Berg
So, welcome Ed.
Ed Fowler
Thank you.
Marielle Berg
We are going to continue diving into the Distress Tolerance skills with talking today about two different skills. One is called Distracting, and the other one is called Self Soothing. And so these are skills that won’t solve problems, are skills you want to think about not overusing, and we’ll talk in a little bit about why, but they can be really helpful when you are emotionally overwhelmed, and don’t know what to do and need something to help get you through the moment.
Ed Fowler
I think when we talk about Distracting and Self-Soothing in group, oftentimes what comes up is that people feel like they’ve been using a lot of distraction to cope with their distress, they’ve been doing that quite a bit and they they feel like they’re overusing it. And what I appreciate about these skills is that, you know, we overuse distraction when we’re overwhelmed, because it’s so effective. And to conscientiously use Distraction to bring our emotional distress down, can be so helpful.
Ed Fowler
The trick is to then be able to move on to something else, to move on to Problem Solving, if that’s what we need to figure out what to do next. And not just okay, I’m gonna watch TV all day, I’m using my skills. But sometimes it’s like, you know what, today I cannot, it’s just the most effective thing is to use Distraction. And I’ll try again tomorrow.
Marielle Berg
Yes.
Ed Fowler
Sometimes that’s wise.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. So what you’re talking about here are the nuances with this skill, and I think with all of them, so there isn’t kind of black and white thinking here. And I think you’re right on target when you say, well, let me back up. Distraction gets a really bad rap. You know, there’s a lot of negative things we can hear about Distraction. And so the way we talk about Distraction here is not kind of that like, mindlessly checking your phone, or just, you know, distracting yourself by replaying, you know, a fight in your head kind of over and over. Or, you know, flipping through channels. I don’t know if people still do that.
Ed Fowler
I do, but maybe I’m just really old.
Marielle Berg
So it’s not that. This is much more focused, it’s intentional. And it can be really helpful if done with that in mind. And the reason why there can be some pushback, or like, isn’t it bad to distract, is that a lot of people have the experience that you were talking about a moment ago, with using distraction as a way to sort of avoid.
Ed Fowler
Right?
Marielle Berg
Yeah. And so we’re talking about something a little different here.
Ed Fowler
Right, I think it is, you know, consciously distracting in order to relieve stress is very different than unconsciously avoiding.
Marielle Berg
Yeah.
Ed Fowler
And we can get into the nuances of that.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. So with Distraction, and with Self-Soothing, we want to think about like not overusing it, and using it very strategically.
Ed Fowler
That’s what I was gonna say, strategically.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. So it’s purposeful Distraction, right? Because sometimes fully experiencing our emotions actually isn’t a good thing for us, right? Which I think can take some people by surprise. Like, wait, I’m supposed to not feel my emotion? And we say yes, sometimes it’s better to not fully feel it.
Marielle Berg
Let’s give some examples. So suppose you’re in a work meeting and you have an overwhelming urge to start sobbing, or telling someone off, it’s probably wise to not let those feelings out. So that would be an example of when not fully experiencing our emotion in the moment is actually a positive thing.
Ed Fowler
Right. I think when when emotions are already pretty overwhelming, oftentimes what we talked about in terms of accessing Wise Mind, that balance between Emotion Mind and Reasonable Mind, if emotions are really, really strong, it’s hard to access that reasonable side. And so sometimes we need a break from the emotions in order to get back to a more balanced way of thinking, and Distraction and Self Soothing can really help with getting back to that balance.
Ed Fowler
Yeah.
Marielle Berg
Or, if you have the urge to send 20, 30, 100 texts to someone, say you’re dating and you’re upset with them. It’s probably better to not act on that emotion as well. Cause that’ll create additional problems.
Ed Fowler
Yeah, and I think sometimes even sending one text, it’s like if I, for instance, the dating context of like, I really want to know what’s going on. I haven’t heard from this person. I’m making all these assumptions about what they’re thinking and why they haven’t responded to me. And I just want to send a text. But maybe that’s not the wise thing to do. Maybe waiting would be valuable. But I’m really anxious about what’s happening here. Distraction or Self Soothing could be really wise.
Marielle Berg
Yes, I’ve been there, I’m sure you have too, with different relationships.
Ed Fowler
Oh yeah.
Marielle Berg
Right.
Ed Fowler
Could do a whole podcast on that.
Marielle Berg
I don’t know who hasn’t been, where it like it feels, there’s a sense of relief in the moment, like, yeah, you know.
Ed Fowler
Oh, yeah.
Marielle Berg
Right. I told them off, or I got that out. But then, you know, a couple hours later, there can be like, oh, shoot, like I? Yeah, wish I hadn’t said that.
Ed Fowler
Right. Totally.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. So this is a great time to think about using Distraction skills. So just to recap, these are skills to use when you’re feeling really emotionally overwhelmed and when you have urges to do things you are going to later regret. So some kind of emotional outburst, the way we just talked about.
Marielle Berg
I think it’s also helpful when you feel an overwhelming urgency to fix a problem right away, like you want to fix this immediately. And that can be that can be behind some of these kinds of impulsive text. So there’s some sign up kind of conflict with someone you’re close to, and you want to just solve it. And when we do that, when we’re in Emotion Mind, that can lead to bigger problems, because it can lead to maybe abruptly ending a relationship or, you know, impulsively quitting a job, that may be days later, you’re like, oh, like, I wish I hadn’t done that.
Ed Fowler
Or saying something to bring relief that then makes it more complicated and harder to repair?
Marielle Berg
Yes. I’m thinking about the kind of the satisfaction one can have in the in the moment, and I’m realizing I’m saying one, instead of I, with slamming a door, like that can feel really good.
Ed Fowler
One might feel satisfaction.
Marielle Berg
Slamming a door. And then afterwards, I’m like, Oh, I don’t feel so good about myself. So when we’re in Emotion Mind, our action urges can be really convincing. We can feel really justified in slamming that door, telling someone off and we can also feel like engaging in any kind of self harm, any kind of addictive or compulsive behavior seems smart in the moment.
Ed Fowler
Like that, that sense of like if from an Emotion Mind place of I have to I have to do this. This is why, there’s no other options. And right there, there’s some cues that I might not be in Wise Mind. Or like I have to, there’s no options. Like, maybe this is extreme and out of balance.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. And I think often people, especially with those kinds of self harm, addictive behaviors, it does help in the moment. And if it serves as a form of distraction,
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
The problem is it has these other unintended negative consequences.
Ed Fowler
Right. And I think that like Distraction in particular, like using something to just check out, is often something that that we, as humans will use excessively, when we don’t know how to manage strong emotions, in the same way that we might use compulsive behaviors or self harm or or you know, those kinds of things. And I feel like conscientiously using Distraction to take the edge off, brings no long term consequences in the same way that that choosing to use an addictive behavior would bring longer term consequences.
Marielle Berg
Yes. And so if anyone’s listening who has some of those self harm or addictive behaviors and we’re going to talk about the different we’re going to talk about the acronym we use, which is Wise Mind ACCEPTS and we’ll talk about what each letter of ACCEPTS stands for. It might seem ridiculous. If you’re used to reaching for drugs or alcohol or self harming and we suggest to you, you know, take a bubble bath. You might be like, hell no, that’s not gonna do anything.
Marielle Berg
So no, that is not going to work in the same way that, you know, it’s sort of like a bludgeon when you reach for some of those things
Marielle Berg
Whether it’s alcohol, self harming, I mean, that is that’s can sort of obliterate the suffering you’re in. So that this these Distract activities won’t do that. They will hopefully help you calm down enough or bring down the emotional overwhelm enough for you to think about other skills to use.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Ed Fowler
Exactly. Or just to have, you know, like, I feel like Distracting and Self Soothing often take a little longer to kick in for the emotion to come down. And again, there’s no consequences when you’re, when the emotion is down.
Marielle Berg
Yes.
Ed Fowler
Where other things can work really quickly. But then there’s shame, there’s guilt, there’s regret. There’s stuff to clean up.
Marielle Berg
Totally.
Ed Fowler
So this is like maybe a little bit of a shorter kind of thing and more effective in the long run, which is why DBT puts a big focus on it.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. More effective in helping people live the lives they want, and achieve their goals.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. And creates a lot less chaos and shame and all the things you talked about. So should we go into the acronym and talk about what it stands for?
Marielle Berg
Definitely.
Marielle Berg
Okay. So we are working out of as always, Marsha Linehan’s DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, which we will link to in our show notes. And so this, this skill Distracting has an acronym, as as many things in DBT have or do. Very acronym fulll. So it’s called Wise Mind ACCEPTS and so the acronym is ACCEPTS, which is A C C E P T S.
Ed Fowler
Wise Mind ACCEPTS stands for distracting with Activities, with Contributing, with Comparisons, with different Emotions, that’s the E, with Pushing away, with other Thoughts, and with other Sensations.
Marielle Berg
Okay, great. Thank you. Should we start with activities?
Ed Fowler
Of course.
Marielle Berg
All right.
Ed Fowler
So basically, any activity that we can do that can take our focus off of whatever it is that’s causing distress. So it can be, you know, as simple as watching TV or watching videos, playing games, it can be going for a walk or playing some sort of sport or something like that, building something, doing something like knitting or those kinds of things, crossword puzzles, anything that can really hold our attention, activity that can hold our attention, so that we’re not just stuck in the loop of thoughts around whatever is causing our stress.
Marielle Berg
Right. So the whole point of this is to shift our focus onto something else. So instead of ruminating, obsessing, playing those tapes over and over of the things that are upsetting you, instead of getting on that, that train of upsetting thoughts, or overwhelming emotion, it’s redirecting your, your attention towards something else.
Marielle Berg
And this could be such a range of things depending on who you are and what you prefer to do. And what is called for in the moment, it could be cleaning something.
Ed Fowler
Right, yeah.
Marielle Berg
It could be, as you said, you know, is obviously watching something. And there’s a big difference between, you know, watching your favorite show, for a half hour, or an hour, because you’re feeling really emotionally overwhelmed and you want to bring down that emotion, versus as we talked about in the beginning, spending all day doing that. Occasionally, that might be needed. If you are extremely upset or distraught, sometimes we need to take a bit of a vacation from life. And that can be useful, but we just want to be really careful about not over using that because then that will create its own problems.
Ed Fowler
And I think where using Activities for distraction is valuable is checking in, and like conscientiously say, for like for me, I love Sudoku, because it is something like really simple, straightforward, it’s numbers. So I’m not going to be thinking too much about stuff. And I am just going to play this game. And you know, try to solve this little puzzle and focus my attention and check in when I’m done. And if my emotions are still high, I’m gonna play another one, right? I’m conscientiously doing this, and I’m checking in to see okay, where am I at? Do I need to start Problem Solving? Do I need to kind of do something different? Or you know what, my emotions are still really high, I need to keep doing this activity, because I’m not going to be able to think clearly until those emotions come down.
Marielle Berg
Right? Okay. And so I’ve never played Sudoku. So when you play, do you like solve a puzzle?
Ed Fowler
It’s like a numbers thing where it’s like you have you have to slot numbers in to create within lines and rows and columns and boxes so that you have one through nine and each one.
Marielle Berg
Okay. Because I’m thinking about how that kind of particular activity or distracting activity might be very satisfying, because there’s a there’s an order to it.
Ed Fowler
An order, you can accomplish something. So that’s where some games puzzles, those kinds of things. Now, crossword puzzles? Never. Under no circumstances will I do that. That’s frustrating. Sudoku. Oh, yeah. That’s wonderful. So again, the activities that we use to distract it’s whatever works for us, and and figuring out what are the activities that I do that really hold my attention when, when I need to shift focus away from stress and worry?
Marielle Berg
Yes. And I’m thinking about times when I’ve had to study for big licensing exams of which I’ve taken several in my life, that my you know, sock and underwear drawers were never as neat as they will ever be, again, because there would be, you know, overwhelming emotions. Usually, anxiety and fear. And you’re just feeling overwhelmed with the task ahead of me. And it was very satisfying, like, I’m just going to organize my sock drawer. And then you have a finished product, it’s something you can control. Granted, if I did that all day, every day, while I’m supposed to study, I’m not gonna get anything done. But time limited, similar to your Sudoku, can be really effective.
Marielle Berg
So it does not have to be something where there is a finished product that sort of gets, you know, wrapped up neatly with a bow. But if you if you think that might be helpful for you, you can think about doing distracting activities that will allow you to have that.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. So and not ones that are going to overwhelm you, if you are not a big crossword fan, and I’m with you on that, especially if you’re really emotionally overwhelmed. It takes a lot of focus.
Ed Fowler
Right?
Marielle Berg
Yeah.
Ed Fowler
And I know people who like, crossword puzzles are their thing, that’s where they can just shift their mind into that gear. And it will take their focus away.
Marielle Berg
Yeah.
Ed Fowler
So that, whatever works for you.
Marielle Berg
And so with this, there’s a lot of experimenting and playing around to see what is going to be most effective to help you bring down that emotional overwhelm.
Marielle Berg
So the next letter, in ACCEPTS, we did the A for activities, we’ll move on to the first C, which is Contributing. The second C’s Comparison, and I think there’s some overlap between these two. So contributing is basically doing nice things for others. So helping out a friend, if you are in the San Francisco Bay area, there is no shortage, unfortunately, of opportunities, you walk down the street, you can buy a homeless person a meal. What this does is it takes your mind off your worries and your emotional overwhelm. And I think it can also have this secondary benefit of creating a sense of purpose or meaning in your life.
Ed Fowler
Right, so different than just using an activity to just simply take your mind off of things. Contributing is like I am specifically getting outside of myself, to do something for others, which is a way of distracting with a shift in focus, that often brings some positive emotion with it.
Marielle Berg
Yes, it has that added benefit. This is something that’s built into 12 Step programs, when they talk about service. So, I think because it’s recognized how powerful contributing can be to one’s sense of self, to helping with emotional overwhelm.
Marielle Berg
A friend of mine, during the last holiday season was going through a really painful, unexpected breakup, and planned for Thanksgiving and Christmas to do volunteer work. One was serving a meal to people at a homeless shelter, and the other one was doing a suicide watch on the Golden Gate Bridge. Because it’s such a, it’s a time when people are really vulnerable and feeling lonely. And so she sort of planned ahead, knowing that to distract herself from her own pain and suffering, that helping out others was going to be useful.
Marielle Berg
So you can think about doing this ahead of time if you anticipate that you’re going to be struggling emotionally. Because some of this takes a little bit of planning if you want to be volunteering somewhere, for example.
Ed Fowler
Right, yep.
Marielle Berg
So let’s move on to the next C which is Comparing, and there’s some overlap, I think between contributing and comparing. So if you’re contributing or helping others out, another thing that can happen is using comparisons to help put your suffering in perspective. So my friend who was going through that painful breakup when she was feeding people at the homeless shelter, it put her pain in some perspective. Yes, she was heartbroken. Yes, this was unexpected. And she had a roof over her head, and she had a hot meal, you know, to eat at the end of the day. And that kind of comparing can be really helpful when we’re emotionally overwhelmed.
Ed Fowler
And I think that using comparisons specifically for distraction is taking your mind off of your own problems right now. And thinking about, for instance, comparing yourself now to other times in your life when you’ve struggled. Oftentimes, we can get a perspective from that of like, Oh, I’ve I’ve actually had harder circumstances, more challenging circumstances and I got through those. Comparing ourselves to other people going through the same thing and being able to say, Yeah, I’m not the only one experiencing this, like you said, comparing to people who may be suffering even more and being able to not like in a shaming way of like, oh, you you have it so I have it so easy, I have no reason to be upset, but like, yeah, I think, and this is the dialectical thinking, of like, yeah, I’m really struggling right now. And other people are struggling in a different way that’s even more profound. And that gives, brings that perspective. So I think that comparison is all about using our focus to shift perspective.
Marielle Berg
Mm hmm. And unfortunately, with this, too, there’s no shortage of different stories to read or documentaries to watch about other people struggling and it’s not to minimize our own pain or like, I don’t know, why should I be heartbroken, because I just went through a breakup when people are dying in war, starving all over the world. It’s not to do that. But it’s to, as you said, give a little shift in perspective, and that can bring down emotional overwhelm.
Marielle Berg
And just recently, I was talking to a friend, I was really upset because there was some water damage in my home, which was fun, I’m still dealing with it, which obviously is not fun, and is a big deal, obviously, to me. And as I was talking to my friend, she let me know that someone we both know, was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer and had months to live. And immediately, of course, I was saddened to hear about this, but immediately, I was like, oh, yeah, here, I think this thing I’m going through in my home is devastating, and let’s put this in perspective.
Ed Fowler
Right. And I think that that comparison actually can be like, so valuable for distracting from overwhelming emotion. And it can be risky. So if if, you have to know yourself, so if you have a tendency to minimize your struggles, or, you know, the whole idea of self invalidation of like, I have nothing to complain about, like, this is no big deal. Well, it, if you’re having strong emotions, it’s a big deal for you right now.
Marielle Berg
Right.
Ed Fowler
And so accepting that that’s where it’s at. And using comparison wisely, and which is where I think oftentimes comparing this situation to other situations in my life, can actually be a really effective way to do that. To compare myself to myself. And, and that can be a way, if you tend towards self invalidation, you might be able to say, hey, I’m going through something right now. I’ve been through other hard times in the past.
Marielle Berg
Absolutely. Thank you for for pointing that out because that can be a tricky one. Do you want to get started with the E for different Emotions?
Ed Fowler
Yeah, I think that this is also can be really helpful. So changing, specifically trying to change our emotion. And one of the big things in Emotion Regulation in DBT is we talk about accepting emotions, noticing emotions, not trying to shift emotions for no reason at all right? Just like, the emotions are what they are. B
Ed Fowler
ut when emotions are really overwhelming, sometimes it helps to say, you know what, instead of feeling sad, I’m going to focus on laughing, and watch a comedy show that’s going to make me laugh, because my sadness is so overwhelming, I need to take a break from it and shiftinto another emotion. I’m feeling really angry, I’m going to listen to some sad music, right? I am feeling really worried. I am going to watch a movie that’s really got a lot of action and adventure and kind of like, get into the adventure of that, like so really trying to do something to very consciously feel a different emotion than the one that’s causing us distress right now.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. And so in order to do this, obviously, you have to know what emotion you’re feeling first, right? And then be careful, if you’re feeling really sad, don’t watch a sad movie, right or listen to sad music. Find something that’s going to evoke a different emotion.
Ed Fowler
Oftentimes, comedy is the emotion that we might want to use to build up a sense of laughter about something. Because when I am I feeling a lot of emotional distress. I’m usually taking it very, very seriously. And being able to laugh kind of helps me to recognize like, oh, this is not everything in my life at this moment. There’s other things out there, it can shift away from the anger or the fear into being able to laugh, it just kind of like totally takes a break from that other feeling, that then I can come back with a different perspective. My emotional distress is lower.
Marielle Berg
Yeah, absolutely. Okay, let’s move on to the P in ACCEPTS. So the P is for Pushing away. And this is shutting out or blocking your attention from whatever is upsetting you. It’s sort of like putting your pain in a box and sticking it on a shelf temporarily, or imagining a wall between you and others who are upsetting you, or between you and the situation that’s hard.
Marielle Berg
And a lot of people kind of get this when we talk about it. It’s more abstract, but most people can, can sort of understand because we all do it in one way or another. It’s a little bit related to I think dissociation where we’re just like, I’m just not going to look at that. Because if we do that all the time is going to create problems. We need to look at hard stuff, grow and heal. But this is a strategic way of saying this is too hard. It’s too overwhelming. I’m gonna put it aside for a little bit.
Ed Fowler
And I think that there’s a difference between consciously pushing away saying, I am noticing the emotion I’m having, and I’m putting it to the side, I’m consciously putting it to the side. And dissociating, when we’re triggered, and we don’t even know what’s happening, right?
Marielle Berg
Yeah.
Ed Fowler
So I think that this is where it’s like, I recognize what’s happening right now. And I’m consciously pushing it away. One of the suggestions in the workbook is like, if we notice that we’re ruminating, like thinking about something repetitively and stuck in that loop, just yelling No, right? Like noticing like, I’m starting to feel angry again. Nope, not right now. Not right now, not doing that now, and just like a kind of a simple way to not inflame the emotion.
Marielle Berg
Right. And I know for myself, if I’m obsessing or ruminating, I often think like, I’m going to figure it out. And that I think, can be related to that, when we feel this strong desire to solve a problem immediately. Like, if I think about the situation for the millionth time, I’m finally going to figure it out, or I’m going to fix it, which never happens.
Ed Fowler
Right. And again, that’s the, you know, like, Emotion Mind can kind of trick us into thinking we’re being reasonable. Oh, I’m figuring this out. But the emotion is so strong, that we’re not, where we’re missing things. We’re ignoring things, we’re like, not seeing the whole picture. And so if I noticed my emotion is really high, rather than necessarily, for instance, doing an activity, I’m just pushing it away and saying, Nope, not right now taking a break right now.
Marielle Berg
So useful.
Ed Fowler
And then, you know, kind of related to that is that with the T in ACCEPTS is that we can distract with other Thoughts. So, so often, emotional distress comes with so much thinking. So use our thoughts to shift our focus. So for instance, counting colors in the room. So shift my, my thoughts into, I am going to count every place in this room that has red in it. And then I’m gonna count everything that has blue.
Ed Fowler
We can use our thoughts to kind of remember words to a song, let me try to remember the words to the song and repeat that to myself, or words to a poem. Or we can, for instance, there’s a lot of overlap in these, like, do a puzzle, do some sort of puzzle when my thoughts are really focused. So instead of letting our thoughts just run in a way that’s going to create distress, we focus our thoughts on something other than what we’re trying to think about.
Marielle Berg
Yes. And then the last letter in our acronym, ACCEPTS is S, which is for Sensations. So this is engaging in other sensations, other intense sensations. So you can let an ice cube melt in your hand, or drink ice cold water, put a rubber band on your wrist and let it snap, suck on a piece of lemon or sour candy, maybe listen to music really loudly, like something sort of intense, that engages our senses that can that can kind of shock you out of that going down that road of that intense emotion, and especially sort of shock you out of engaging in some of those self harming crisis urges.
Ed Fowler
Right. I think there’s some similarity to the TIPP skill that we talked about.
Marielle Berg
Yes.
Ed Fowler
Uses cold temperature on our face, cold around your eyes or intense exercise, something kind of shocking. And so just using our senses to shock ourselves. And this is especially helpful because sometimes I can’t shift my thoughts, you know, my thoughts are stuck on and it’s like, I can try to push away, I can try to change my thoughts, it’s not working. So then I am going to hold a piece of ice until it’s totally melted.
Marielle Berg
A lot of the urges we have when we’re when our SUDs or our Subjective Unit of Distress, which we’ve talked about in previous episodes is really high. Or another way of saying that what saying this is when our emotional overwhelm is really high. A lot of the behaviors people tend to involve the body in one way or another. And so sensations can be really useful, engaging in other intense sensations that won’t actually create any kind of significant problems down the road.
Ed Fowler
Right, yeah. Which kind of segues nicely into another skill set that can help with distress tolerance, which is Self Soothing, and specifically, soothing ourselves using our senses.
Marielle Berg
So self soothing serves multiple functions. It certainly can help distract you in the moment as we’ve been talking about distraction. It’s another way to distract when you’re feeling overwhelming emotions. So it helps you not do anything that’s going to make the situation worse, and it’s a great one because it really works on a physiological level, because it can put us in the state of relaxation.
Marielle Berg
So when we’re emotionally overwhelmed, our sympathetic nervous system is on board. And that’s a part of our nervous system that is really related to trauma responses. So our sympathetic nervous system helps us fight like fight back, if we’re being attacked in some way, helps us flee if we need to run away, to be safe, or freeze, we need to do that to hide and an escape danger. So when our sympathetic nervous system is online, our heart’s beating fast, our pulse is high, our whole system is sort of geared up for action. And that can happen a lot when we’re really emotionally overwhelmed. Hence, the emotional outbursts, the reaching for some self harming behavior to relieve some of that activation in the system, the slamming the door, any of those kinds of things we might do when we’re upset.
Marielle Berg
And self soothing, helps bring our parasympathetic nervous system online, which is the part of our nervous system which helps us relax. So if we can do self soothing behaviors, and we activate our parasympathetic nervous system, we might notice that our breathing slows down and deepens, our hearts stop speeding so quickly, our blood pressure lowers, so it really can calm you down. So that’s an added benefit. It can help with our digestion, because when you’re emotionally overly upset, your stomach might be in knots.
Ed Fowler
Yeah, I think that self soothing is kind of a form of distraction that’s really focused on relaxation, more specifically, and also focused on the idea that when we’re emotionally overwhelmed, we need comfort.
Marielle Berg
Yes.
Ed Fowler
And validating that, which can be really hard at times. I think that we often feel a sense of like, I don’t deserve to soothe myself, I don’t deserve to have relaxation, I’m really upset, I need to push through this, I need to get going. And self soothing, I think also has the benefit of building up our ability to say, You know what, I need soothing sometimes, yes, in order to be in balance, I’m going to need comfort sometimes. So I’m going to consciously give it to myself.
Marielle Berg
Yeah, it sends a message to ourselves that were worth caring for. And this piece, as you were saying, can be really hard. Because for a lot of people growing up, they were not met consistently with this kind of care and soothing, when they were really upset. And this ties into the emotional invalidation piece. So if you were regularly told, like Oh, get over it, or push through, or maybe even mocked, or potentially punished, and you are struggling emotionally, there’s a good chance that self soothing, initially might feel hard, because often we wind up parenting ourselves the way we were parented.
Ed Fowler
Right. And so this is creating a shift conscientiously dealing with overwhelming emotion by soothing ourselves. And another aspect that I think is valuable is that oftentimes people feel like, I can’t soothe myself, I need someone else to do it. But what if someone else isn’t available? What if there’s not somebody who’s really in tune enough to give us the comfort that we need in that moment? This gives us more power to figure out what do I need for comfort and soothing? I give that to myself, so that when we do get soothing from others, we can actually appreciate it. But we’re not desperate for it.
Marielle Berg
Right, we’re not demanding that others do that. And so in addition to sometimes people feeling angry, or like, why do I have to do this myself, shame can come up. I think that’s related to the piece you said a little bit earlier around, like, I don’t deserve this, or it’s self indulgent. So these are just things to watch out for. And if you relate to any of this, self soothing might be particularly challenging. And we encourage you to try it and kind of try it over and over because over time, it does get easier.
Ed Fowler
And one of the things when when in our skills group. We, every group, we ask people, what skills did you practice during the week and Self-Soothing is probably the number one that comes up. When we talk specifically about Self-Soothing in group and teach Self-Soothing, oftentimes, people start with like, I don’t know about this one, I don’t know, this will be hard, right? And so I think that conscientiously saying, I am going to make an effort to soothe myself, people start to really get into it.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. And they realize how how effective some of these small ways of engaging our senses, which is what self soothing is about, how effective it can be in shifting our focus and how it feels good. And we all need that.
Marielle Berg
And just a caveat, as we said, with distraction, so self soothing, some people can sometimes overuse it, and it’s not the end all be all So if every time you get in a fight with your significant other you decide I’m going to take a bath, I’m going to take a bubble bath. So great, I think that’s a wonderful thing, it can be a wonderful thing to do to bring down your emotional overwhelm. But if you stop there, you might never resolve some of the issues in your relationship. So you can use taking the bubble bath after the fight to help you calm down enough. But at some point, you’re going to have to think about problem solving and coming back to it and talking to your significant other having a conversation when you’re calmer, seeing if you can, you know, seeing if there’s ways to resolve some of the ongoing conflicts. So it’s, it doesn’t solve any problems, but it helps us get into Wise Mind. So we can hopefully solve some of these problems. Should we talk about the different senses?
Ed Fowler
Yeah, so I think that in the workbook, it talks about, you know, ideas for self soothing, using each of our five senses. So for instance, with vision, being able to look at things that are soothing, looking at pictures, or lighting a candle and watching it burn, getting flowers for yourself, going for a walk, and really looking around you. So there’s a lot of overlap between the self soothing techniques and mindfulness techniques. Because we want to be in the moment enjoying, for instance, looking at things that really feel calming and soothing to us.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. And then the next one is hearing, so that listening to music you like, if you are near the ocean going there, or any kind of body water and listening, anywhere in nature really can be lovely if you have access to that, that could sometimes also be just opening your window and listening to the sounds around you. Maybe there’s trees rustling, maybe there are birds, it could be even the sounds of the city, if you’re in an urban landscape, if you find that soothing, kind of that hustle and bustle of the sounds around you.
Ed Fowler
I think the one that people tend to use the most is listening to music. Of course, pick that we’d like music that you enjoy music that that fits whatever you’re trying what whatever kind of soothing you need. Using that is really can be so valuable.
Marielle Berg
Yes. The next one is smell, using our sense of smell.
Ed Fowler
So you know, lighting incense, or having like a favorite soap or shampoo or something and really making an effort to notice the smells of that. One of the suggestions in the book is like just opening a bag of coffee and smelling it.
Marielle Berg
Seven.
Ed Fowler
So like it’s like just like finding things that you can use your sense of smell to activate the sense of calm, of of interest, of soothing, smelling flowers, whatever it is that that can help activate that for you.
Marielle Berg
Yes, the next one is taste. And so if you struggle with any kind of disordered eating, this one might be trickier. So you can talk about it with someone else, or if you’re in therapy with your individual therapist. But so this is basically just eating like a small bit of one of your favorite foods or comfort foods or chewing a favorite gum or getting, you know a hot drink that you really love.
Ed Fowler
Right? There’s lots of possibilities, right? So that thinking about mindfully enjoying the taste of something that is comforting and soothing to you. And kind of developing a sense of like, oh, okay, if I have a cup of tea right now, this particular tea that I really like, that’s going to give me a little bit of time to feel like I’m soothing myself and come down from my high emotion.
Marielle Berg
Yes. And the last one is touch. And so that might be I mean, we’ve mentioned the, you know, the hot bath, the you know, petting a dog or cat can feel really good. You know, having a soft blanket to kind of snuggle up in putting clean sheets on the bed, getting a massage, right? Yeah. So with our things.
Ed Fowler
So with with all of these self soothing techniques, it’s really highlighting the way that our senses bring us soothing. Our senses bring us comfort, and looking for, thinking about what are my options for something that will help me feel soothed using my senses, any of them?
Marielle Berg
Absolutely. And it sends, again, as we said a little while ago, it sends a message like I matter, I’m worth caring for. And so it has multiple functions.
Ed Fowler
And oftentimes when we’re emotionally upset, we need care.
Marielle Berg
Yeah.
Ed Fowler
Providing some care to ourselves can be exactly what it is that we’re looking for in that moment, even if we’re not fully aware of that because we’re overwhelmed.
Marielle Berg
Yeah, absolutely. Right. I think this is a great place to wrap up for today. Thank you for exploring these skills with me.
Ed Fowler
Yeah. Thank you. This is great.
Marielle Berg
All right. Until next time, bye bye.
Marielle Berg
Thanks for listening to today’s episode. To learn more, or if you’re in the Bay Area and want to get started with therapy, you can find us online at bayareadbtcc.com. That’s bayareadbtcc.com.