#16: Opposite Action
Sometimes it’s better to not act on our emotions. The DBT skill Opposite Action helps you act opposite to what your emotion is telling you to do. Use this skill when your emotion doesn’t fit the facts or when your emotion does fit the facts but acting on the emotion isn’t effective.
This skill can help you act the way you want to feel instead of the way you do feel. Make sure you use this skill to change emotions you want to change, not emotions that other people want you to change. This skill has several steps so listen in to learn how to fully change the way you feel.
Show Highlights:
- Sometimes people feel it’s inauthentic or fake to change their emotion
- Start by identifying the emotion you are having
- This skill requires you to use another skill called Check the Facts
- Ask yourself if the intensity of your emotion and how long lasts fits the facts
- Emotions have action urges
- Ask yourself what actions your emotion is telling you to do and then do the opposite of that
- Doing opposite action halfway won’t work, you have to go all-in
- Fear often leads to avoidance of the scary thing
- Use your whole body when you do Opposite Action
- Your emotion may fit the facts but acting on that emotion may not be effective for your goals
- Sometimes sadness is based on assumptions about what might or might not happen in the future
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Ask us a question and we may answer it on the podcast. Please note that questions, and this podcast, is not a substitute for individual mental health treatment. Submit your question here.
To learn more about DBT and therapy in general, read our blog.
Links & Resources:
DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition
SUDs (Subjective Units of Distress) scale
#16: Opposite Action Transcript
Marielle Berg
Hello and welcome to The Skillful Podcast, where we explore DBT and RO-DBT skills to help you reduce emotional suffering, improve your relationships, and become more present in your life. I’m your host, Marielle Berg, a psychotherapist at the Bay Area DBT and Couples Counseling Center.
Marielle Berg
Welcome back. So today we’re going to be talking about another Emotion Regulation skill. This one is called Opposite Action.
Ed Fowler
Yep, one of my favorites.
Marielle Berg
Me too, the Check the Facts, coupled with an Opposite Action are two of my favorites as well. And before we get started for listeners, if you’re finding our podcast helpful, please give us a rating and a review wherever you listen to podcasts because it helps other people find it.
Marielle Berg
All right, so would you like to get us started in describing what Opposite Action is?
Ed Fowler
Sure. So like many DBT skills, the skill is in the name. So which of course then like with Check the Facts, it’s like, oh, you check the facts. You know, like, that’s pretty self explanatory in terms of what does this mean. With Opposite Action it’s like, well, what do you mean Opposite Action? Why do Opposite Action? So there’s a lot to unpack with Opposite Action.
Ed Fowler
The idea is, that if we check the facts, and an emotion is not justified by the facts,so we’ve kind of looked and seen that the emotion that we’re having is based a lot in assumptions, interpretations, judgments, or the emotion is justified by the facts, the facts of the situation warrant that emotion, but the intensity of the emotion is maybe too much, we have an emotion that it is not going to be effective to express. Rather than going with the urge that that emotion is telling us to do, we do the opposite. The way I like to think about Opposite Action is that we act the way we want to feel, instead of acting the way that we do feel. And so there’s a lot we can unpack with that.
Marielle Berg
And even that idea that we actually can act the way we want you to feel or that it’s okay, or somehow, like, it’s actually a thing that you can change the way you’re feeling, I think can be disorienting for people. And I know when I first heardit, I was like, wait, how do you do this? And I think it relates back to some of the myths we talked about a couple of episodes ago. This feeling like, if I’m, or the sense of if I’m having an emotion, like I must always honor it, or that it’s not okay to change emotions. And I think Opposite Action is really saying not only is it okay to change emotion, sometimes it’s really helpful to be able to feel like we have a say, and we can change our emotions.
Ed Fowler
Right. A thing that we get a lot in our group is the idea that it’s inauthentic or fake to change our emotions. That whatever emotion I’m having, that’s me, that’smy authentic emotion. And that is the, I should and that’s right, we’re right there. We’re starting to get into territory that maybe it’s questionable, I should just express the emotion that I’m having.
Ed Fowler
And the reality is that we all have emotions at times that may feel very strong. And even in the moment, we know, I think that this emotion might not really fit right now, or I’m feeling this way too strongly.
Marielle Berg
Yeah.
Ed Fowler
So for me what maybe to kind of give an example, where this comes up a lot is with fear, and with anger. I feel like those are two emotions, and shame would be another one, where we often can have emotions that are either based in a lot of assumptions, so not really factual, or are not really effective in the moment. And we maybe need a little break from it in order to come back and express the emotion effectively.
Ed Fowler
So for me, for instance, I can often find myself getting frustrated with something, and I start thinking about it. So for instance, driving is a time and I think we’ve talked about this on the podcast before, we did this idea that like someone is driving the wrong way. So if someone is going too slow in front of me, or someone is changing lanes without signaling or something like that, I can start toget into my head and start judging that like this is so wrong. It’s so bad. It’s so dangerous. It’s so terrible. And then all of a sudden somebody just kind of going slow, has become a big thing in my mind where like I’m really angry now at this person who is like really so inconsiderate of other people and ruining my day, because they’re driving so slow, and if they’re going to drive so slow, they should be in a different lane or go on a different road or not even be driving at all. And I can easily kind of work myself up.
Ed Fowler
And when I am in that situation, I’ve been there so many times, I’m kind of quick to check the facts and be like, this person is going slow period. Like, it’s okay, like,I’m not going to be late. I’m not, it’s not going to, really I’m going to forget this even happened. So why am I really getting so emotionally invested in this and getting so angry?
Ed Fowler
So my anger is not really based in facts, it’s based on a lot of my judgments of the other person, my assumptions about like how much this is going to impact my day. And so if I go with that anger, I’m going to be really angry, I’m gonna be really frustrated, and I don’t need to be. And honestly, I don’t want to be, I can get so self righteous behind the wheel, and I don’t want to be that guy. And so what I find is what helps me, is to slow it down and go back. And instead of beingangry at this driver, try to be understanding. Try to like, say, okay, so maybe this person is a new driver, you know, come up with other interpretations that might help me change the emotion to be more like, oh, I want to be supportive of this person as they’re driving instead of like, get on my way. And so actually, acting opposite of what my emotion is telling me to do, helps me to feel that other emotion, I feel more peaceful, I feel more calm, I feel more open, instead of feeling really closed and tight and angry.
Marielle Berg
So you said a bunch of important things in there. And one of them was that you don’t want to feel that way. And so we use our emotion change skills, which are Check the Facts and Opposite Action, when we have an emotion we want to change because we don’t like it. So when you get that angry, it feels really bad for you.
Ed Fowler
Right. Yeah. And again, like, especially for me, this comes up when driving a lot, because I’m by myself. And so I have the freedom to just be wild, if I want to be wild, because there’s nobody observing me, I would probably be more uncomfortable doing that in front of other people. But like I don’t, I would be uncomfortable, because I don’t want to be that guy who’s like yelling and screaming while I’m driving and upset people for changing lanes.
Marielle Berg
And when you were describing how you use Opposite Action, when you get angrybehind the wheel, you said something about trying to be kinder or or trying to be more patient. And so this skill isn’t about, like being a better person or a nicer person or anything like that. Like, wonderful if that’s a side effect. And there’s lotsof other kind of spiritual or religious practices that can help you if you want to lead with kindness, this skill is really about shifting our emotions to a place that feels better for us.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
So my guess is that when you can calm yourself down, and the way to act opposite to anger is or some ways that one can act opposite to anger is to either gently avoid the what is making you angry, or the person who’s making you angry, or what you said, which is to even be a little bit nice. That sounds like you know, the other drivers don’t know, but that you’re doing this solely for yourself.
Ed Fowler
Right. I don’t want to feel angry. So I’m thinking like, what would I like to feel? And trying to actually feel that and do the things I would do if I was feeling that?
Marielle Berg
And when you do that and look, what does that shift for you?
Ed Fowler
So for me, like when I’m practicing Opposite Action, and noticing, okay, this emotion isn’t working for me right now. I don’t need this emotion in this moment. Because sometimes we need anger. And I’m a, like a really strong proponent thatall emotions give us important information. And sometimes, anger in particular is really necessary to protect us. And sometimes it’s not, sometimes it’s based in likereally strong judgments that aren’t really reasonable. And so I don’t need this emotion, I don’t want this emotion, so let me try to do something that will be different than that.
Ed Fowler
And so for anger, anger is about kind of getting closed and ready to fight. And so for me, the opposite of anger is is being open. Being secure. Like I’m I am driving my way. It’s okay, go as slow as you want, change lanes however you want. I’m cool. I’m good. Like kind of thinking the thoughts that would go along with being confident and open, as opposed to the thoughts that go along with being angry. Like, yeah, you’re doing it wrong. You shouldn’t be doing this. This is you’re a danger to society, which is only going to make me more angry. And I’ve determined I don’t want to be angry and angry isn’t necessary right now.
Marielle Berg
Yeah.
Marielle Berg
And my guess is that it really changes your experience of driving because if you can be more open and sort of settle your nervous system that you might then really experience that drive in a very different way, where maybe you’re enjoying music or listening to a podcast or taking in that the sun is out, or whatever might be going on. And then when you arrive at your destination, you also feel very different than if you arrive at your destination and you’re all kind of tight and a ball furious.
Ed Fowler
Totally.
Marielle Berg
Let’s go through the steps of how you actually do this. Because we can use it say the name Opposite Action. But it’s actually as you said, in the beginning, it’s a it’s a several step process.
Ed Fowler
Yeah.
Ed Fowler
So I think that with any of our Emotion Regulation skills, the first thing we want todo is identify and name the emotion that we want to change. So being I think this in and of itself is so valuable to be able to hold, take a pause, and say, what am I feeling? And naming, I’m feeling angry, I’m feeling sad. I’m feeling scared, whatever it is. So identify and name the emotion that you’re having.
Marielle Berg
And even doing that can sometimes shift things.
Ed Fowler
Yeah.
Marielle Berg
Because it requires you to access a different part of your, your self or your brain, you step outside of it a little bit, it’s more, it activates the observing self is one way I think about it. And you’re labeling what the experience is instead of just sort of being all feeling bad or, or thinking to yourself, I don’t feel good. Or you can identify, oh, it’s sadness or shame. And so that that step in and of itself can be very useful.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
The next thing we do when we’re practicing opposite action, is check the facts, which we talked about in a previous podcast. When you’re checking the facts, you also want to look into whether the intensity of your motion, like how strong you’re feeling it and the duration of your emotion fits the facts, which means how long you’re actually feeling the emotion. So you when you were describing what happens for you behind the wheel, I was thinking, okay, frustration, irritation, not blind fury, right?
Ed Fowler
Most of the time.
Marielle Berg
Or you’re working maybe towards like, a – yeah.
Ed Fowler
But again, like, that’s where sometimes that like it is like this just like rage about somebody changing lanes. And checking the facts to be like, okay, the fact is that person changed lanes quickly. Fury about that doesn’t necessarily fit the facts. Like that’s maybe, maybe some frustration is understandable. Fury is not.
Marielle Berg
Yes. And so if your emotion doesn’t fit the facts, which means it’s not actually justified by the facts, or its intensity or, or duration doesn’t fit the facts, then we move on to Opposite Action. So maybe an easier way of saying this is that when you have a painful emotion that you want to change, the first thing you do is Check the Facts. And sometimes that’s enough. And we talked about that, as I said in a previous podcast, you go through all the steps of checking the facts, if you are still feeling the emotion strongly, and you want to change it, that’s when you pull out Opposite Action.
Marielle Berg
So you want to identify and describe your action urges. So this requires you to think, okay, for example, we’re using anger. What do I feel like doing? Do I want to, you know, lean on my horn? Do I want to roll down the window and give someone the finger? Do I want to cut someone off? What are your actual urges to do?
Ed Fowler
And as we’re sitting here talking, I’m nodding at all of those things. I’m like yes, yes, that too. Absolutely.
Marielle Berg
I’m never driving with you.
Ed Fowler
You really shouldn’t. Although I could be practicing Opposite Action, maybe it’d be great. But yeah, I think that being able to name the emotion, check the facts about it.And then notice, what is it that I want to do? What is this emotion urging me to do? Because that’s where, and we’ve talked about this before, emotions have action urges,and where if we’re, if our emotion is not really effective, and we go with that action urge, that’s where we can get in trouble.
Ed Fowler
So that, you know, like, I have way too much anger for this situation, and I’m leaning on my horn. Like, somebody could stop their car and want to get into a fight with me. And it’s really not that big of a deal, you know? And so that’s where I want to notice like, okay, what’s the urge right now? And rather than just leaning on my horn, I pause.
Marielle Berg
Yes. And just take it take it a step further. So you identify what your urge is, to lean on the horn, you pause, because what we want to do is to do the opposite of what our emotion is telling us to do. So leaning on the horn is the action urge, and you you hold back, you don’t do that, you don’t engage that urge. And that’s the opposite action here. And the important thing is to do it all the way, not kind of halfway.
Ed Fowler
And I think this example for me is one where, because I’ve practiced it a lot and have found it really effective, I’ve kind of noticed, for instance, if I identify, I’m really angry, I don’t need to be this angry right now, I don’t want to be this angry right now. I know I’m kind of checking my Wise Mind that like anger, acting on this anger and leaning onthe horn, or getting even more angry is not going to be effective, right? And then identify what could I do differently? And then do it all the way not halfway.
Ed Fowler
So for instance, for me in these situations, identifying that, like, I want to let go of all my judgments, all my anger, maybe even go so far as like I am going to be, I’ll drive slower, in this situation. I’m not going to be rushing and getting frustrated that other people are getting in my way of getting where I need to go. I’m going to maybe drive a little bit slower, right? I’ve done the halfway Opposite Action of like, okay, fine, I won’t lean on the horn. But still, you shouldn’t be, and I’m still angry, right? A halfway of like, no, I didn’t lean on the horn, but I’m still nurturing that anger.
Ed Fowler
That doesn’t work as much as I’m going to slow down, actually, I’m going to try to like, put a peaceful half smile on my face, right? So that if anybody sees me, they think thatI’m totally calm, I feel calm. I’m going all the way opposite of that urge to, like lash out. I’m like, I’m cool. I’m chill. I’m just, you know, taking it slow here. And so that’s with Opposite Action. It’s like, what do I want to do? And do the opposite all the way.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. And the reason why we do the opposite kind of all the way and not halfway is that it actually can change how you feel. It’s pretty, it’s pretty unbelievable.
Ed Fowler
And for me, because I’ve practiced it enough times, that’s why I’m like a true believer about this one. Because I’ve seen it work so many times for me. Like driving is an excellent example where when I’m getting really frustrated and angry, and I decide to just slow down, take it slow, be open, be like a patient driver, like you said, by the time I get to my destination, I actually feel patient and calm. And I’ve, many times, gotten to my destination feeling really agitated, and frustrated, because I nurtured that anger for the whole time. And the acting opposite and going all the way not just halfway of like, okay, fine, I won’t flip them off. But like, no, I’m really just, I’m patient and calm here. I feel patient and calm.
Marielle Berg
And that points to how powerful this skill can be. Because for anyone who is more emotionally sensitive, or who relates to being emotionally dysregulated, to know that you have a way to actually change what your feeling is, gives us a sense of mastery and control.
Ed Fowler
And this is a big thing for me is that I am so much less afraid of my emotions. Because I know if I have an overwhelming emotion that’s not working for me, I have options to actually change it. I don’t have to just use Distress Tolerance and tolerate it for a while and wait for it to hopefully go away. I can actually change the emotion.
Marielle Berg
Yes. And on that note, when we talk about Distress Tolerance, this skill, Opposite Action and Check the Facts, it’s important to make sure that your distress level or your Subjective Units of Distress isn’t too high. Because the more upset or the more in Emotion Mind you get, it’s going to be a lot harder to do Opposite Action. Because you won’t be able to check in with your Wise Mind when we’re super upset, or Wise Mind can say yeah, I should absolutely cut this jerk off. You deserve it.
Ed Fowler
Yeah, totally. So that’s where I do think that the for me the Distress Tolerance skills are especially helpful in like, Okay, let me do take a few breaths, you know, like, using TIPP to like, do some paced breathing. Let me do a little bit of paced breathing here, bring down the intensity of this, kind of think about okay, what do I want? And that’s where I can notice, okay, this emotion isn’t really working for me, I want to do something different. What’s my action urge? What can I do instead? I can’t access that if my anger is too high.
Marielle Berg
Yes, let’s look at a couple of the main emotions that cause people trouble. Because we’ve already been unpacking anger a bit. But let’s talk about fear and see if we have time for maybe another emotion or two. Because I feel like Opposite Action works so beautifully with fear. It works well with all the emotions, but in particular, maybe because I use it so often with fear that I’m really impressed with how effective it can be.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
So the first thing you want to do when you’re feeling fear, well obviously you have to name it. So identify that that’s your emotion. And then you want to ask, does my fear actually fit the facts of the situation? And so in very broad strokes, kind of terms, fear fits the facts of the situation, when there is a threat to your life, or that of someone you care about. So either your life is under some kind of threat or someone you love or care about, their life is under threat. It also fits the facts when your health is under threat, or the health of someone you care about, there might be some threat to their health, or when there’s a threat to your well being, or to the well being of someone you care about. So those are times when we would say fear fits the facts. There might be other occasions too. But that’s kind of a general framework for thinking about, Okay, does my fear actually fit the facts?
Marielle Berg
And so for myself, I know with this podcast, I, it’s getting better now the more we do it, but I especially in the beginning would feel fear. Before we would, our date was to enter time to get together and podcast. And I know that I would feel the fear because I’d feel a little queasy in my stomach. And I would have the urge to avoid. And that happens, whatever the thing is that you are scared of, whether it’s going on a job interview, or asking someone out for a date, or doing whatever it is outside of your comfort zone, fear often comes with that.
Marielle Berg
And so to bring it back to my personal example, with the podcast, fear didn’t really fit the facts of the situation. My life, my health, my well being is not under threat in any way.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
And so the Opposite Action for fear, which is the thing that I know I often don’t want to do, and so many people don’t want to do when there’s something we’re really scared of, is to do the thing you’re scared of, over and over.
Ed Fowler
Right. And I think you know, when for me, one of the ways that I can notice that I have fear is that I want to avoid something. And I hear a lot of people talking about procrastination, and having a lot of self judgment about procrastination. And as a like Olympic level procrastinator, myself, I have very much gotten into that. And now I understand, if I am having the urge to procrastinate, I’m probably afraid of something, there’s something I’m afraid of. And almost always it’s not a threat to my life or my health or my well being. And so rather than avoid the thing that I am anxious or fearful about, I got to do it.
Marielle Berg
So we’re doing the opposite of what our fear tells us to do with the procrastination. It’s telling you to avoid and put the thing off. For me with my fear about the podcasting, it’s telling me cancel it, you don’t really need to be doing this podcast.
Ed Fowler
Do it next, let’s just do it next week.
Marielle Berg
Just do it next week. Yeah. And so then we get in similar, it’s a form of procrastination, then you get immediate relief. But the fear continues to build and it’s not justified by the facts. And more importantly, it’s not effective.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
It’s not effective for my overall goals, if what I want to do is to be podcasting about the DBT skills, which I love.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
And when you’re doing Opposite Action, I know we talked about doing it all the way. But we didn’t talk a lot about how to use your body in that. Because so often our emotions, they have physical correlates, or there’s ways that our emotions will impact how we’re holding our body. So with fear, you really want to try when you’re using your body to act opposite your emotion, to keep your eyes and your ears open. And to kind of explore and look around you because there’s a way that fear can give us a very narrow tunnel vision, when we don’t actually take in all the information in our environment. You want to think about your posture and your tone of voice, kind of maybe shoulders up and back. Holding your body in a way that feels assertive. And if you do that enough, while you’re doing the thing that you’re scared of, you will start to feel more confident. And we can say this a million times, but you have to try it for yourself to really get that it can be incredibly useful.
Ed Fowler
And I do think it’s that especially with fear, it’s that combo of noticing what it is that I want to avoid because I’m afraid? And trying to engage it, but engaging it with like a really confident, confident, secure body posture. So being able to kind of breathe steadily. So it’s not like a shallow breathing, but like I’m so confident I can breathe here. I can put my shoulders back, I can hold my head up. I can have my eyes open. I’m okay. And like we talked about that with some of our other skills, like putting your shoulders back and your head up and your eyes open is sending a signal to your body you’re okay. Instead of oh my god hunched up, because something terrible is about to happen. It’s like no, I’m okay. And our our feeling will start to change from fear and worry and closed off to like more confident and open and secure.
Marielle Berg
Yes, talking about Opposite Action to fear right now brings me back to many years ago when I was living in New York City, and I would take these dance exercise classes, and most of the instructors were performers or aspiring performers on Broadway, to be in musicals, to dance, to sing. And they would lead these high paced classes. And they would always say things like, if you get lost, like fake it, make something up, keep going.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
Keep with the pace, do jazz hands, do something.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
And it’s a similar kind of idea.
Ed Fowler
Right. And again, like, thinking about that situation, like, if I were in a class like that, and I got, you know, kind of stuck and wasn’t sure what moves I was supposed to be making and got in my head, I would stop. And then I would probably get even more self conscious. And then I would want to leave the class, right? Whereas if I just keep moving, even though like, maybe I’m not doing, I’m trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing. But I’m still moving, I’m still moving. And I’m less likely to be like, oh, this is terrible, I gotta get out of here.
Marielle Berg
Exactly. And so with the approach, perspective, doing what you’re afraid of, over and over, you also want to be thinking about doing things that give you a sense of control and mastery over your fears. So yes, as you were describing, if you stayed or if I stayed in the dance class, and I didn’t run out, in terrible, this would be another emotion, shame, I would start feeling more confident. Yep, I could mix up the steps and not follow the routine. And eventually I’ll pick it up. And even if I don’t, it kind of doesn’t matter.
Ed Fowler
Right? Because we can, that’s where, you know, we talk about, you know, our Wise Mind is this balance of our Emotion Mind and Reasonable Mind. And Emotion Mind, when emotions are high, can really take over and be like, oh, you should be ashamed. Oh, this is, you’re doing terrible, everybody knows, right? And instead, we can like get into like, just like, I’m alright, I’m okay. Yeah, because I’m still going. I’m doing it.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. Let’s, let’s talk a little bit about Opposite Action to shame, because it’s one that comes up so often in our groups.
Ed Fowler
Yeah. And I think that, you know, we, we’ve talked before about how emotions have a purpose, and we don’t in DBT, we’re really careful not to judge emotions as good or bad. Even though we usually don’t like feeling shame, shame does tell us, it can give us information that we may be doing something that’s going to get us rejected by people around us. We’re rejected by the group. So shame has the purpose of alerting us that our behavior may be going against societal values or other people’s values.
Ed Fowler
And we need to take notice, I think in terms of emotions, that can oftentimes be not so fact based, shame is a big one, where we assume judgments from others that may not be there. Or if judgment is there, we don’t actually really care what that person thinks, that person is not or that that group of people isn’t important to us, their judgement of our behavior isn’t important, right? And so being able to check the facts on shame, and say, okay, I’m feeling ashamed, I’m feeling embarrassed. What is it that’s causing this embarrassment? To kind of see, am I doing something that actually people are gonna judge me, right?
Ed Fowler
I’m, I’m, like being a real jerk and traffic. And if I did it in front of you, Marielle, you would probably be like, I’m never driving with you again, like, you’re this is really uncomfortable. I need to kind of check in notice that shame here probably is telling me you might want to check yourself, this is out of balance, right? But if I am feeling really a lot of shame about my driving, because I’m assuming that you’re judging me, you think I’m a bad driver, and all this kind of stuff. It’s like, probably you’re not having that many assumptions, right? If you are, is it reasonable?
Ed Fowler
So I can check in, notice, like, where’s the shame coming from? Does it fit the facts? If it doesn’t fit the facts? If the shame is overblown, then I want to kind of look at okay, so what is the urge and response to the shame? Like, what is it that I want to do with shame? It’s oftentimes I want to hide, yes, I want to hide and so you know, make this public. So for instance, for me, I’ve done this where it’s like, okay, I feel like you think I’m a bad driver. You know, let me just say this thing that I’m feeling ashamed of right now. And that’s kind of a really, I’m using like a really easy example. Like we could dig into so much deeper examples around shame, but like, that’s an example of like, just make it public. Like I feel like I’m using I’m a bad driver right now. And check it out, right, so so expose the thing that I am trying to hide.
Marielle Berg
Yeah. And so often I know I’ve experienced this for myself and for so many of them, people that we work with, the shame is it’s really kind of a toxic shame. Like I’m at my core, a bad person. Or if people really knew me, they would judge me, they wouldn’t like me. And then the antidote to that is to really Check the Facts. And I think the therapy, or one of the useful things about therapy, is you start by telling your therapist, these things that maybe you don’t tell very many people, or you haven’t told anyone. And that can really, it’s a small kind of Opposite Action of, or sometimes a very big Opposite Action to the shame.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
By making it a public, in a way, at least to your therapist to begin with.
Ed Fowler
And again, I think that that’s where Opposite Action is so valuable, and being able to kind of think about it. So for instance, with shame, and that sense of like, and I think this is such a common thing, of like, people are going to find out that I’m a bad person. People are going to find out that like I am a fraud, all those kinds of things that we deal with. And being able to think about one person maybe you could open up with, about it. So maybe a therapist, close friend, you know, like somebody safe to expose this thing that you’re ashamed of, who you’re pretty sure won’t reject you, is a good way to act opposite of that shame.
Ed Fowler
Which again, when we feel intense shame, we can hide ourselves and find ourselves hiding more and more and more. And it doesn’t limit our lives, oftentimes, when we can get into like a cycle around that. And so being able to open up just a little bit, can start to move that shame and change it.
Marielle Berg
Yes, absolutely. Let’s talk about Opposite Action with sadness. So do you want to tell us when sadness actually fits the facts of the situation?
Ed Fowler
So you know, sadness fits the facts when we have lost something, or someone, or if things that we hoped for or expected didn’t come to pass. So sadness is telling us we’ve had a big loss. And sadness is helpful for us to overcome loss, we need to kind of feel that sadness in order to move beyond major losses, which is like a simple way to look at it, but can be a very complex process.
Marielle Berg
With that loss, it may be that we’ve lost someone or an important relationship permanently. It can also be when things haven’t turned out the way we expected or hoped them to be. And so if your sadness is either not justified by the facts, or is not effective, and I want to pause here, because there’s a nuance to the skill, because sometimes our emotion actually is justified by the facts, but acting on it isn’t effective.
Marielle Berg
So if you just had a very painful breakup, and what you want to do is stay in bed and sleep all day. But you also have bills to pay, and you need to show up at your job, I would say sadness fits the facts. If you just went through this breakup, it’s very painful, but it’s probably not effective in that moment, to act on it because you have other responsibilities. And so you can also use Opposite Action when the emotion might fit the facts, but acting on it isn’t effect is not effective.
Marielle Berg
Another example is if you are at, if you’re at a work meeting, and your supervisor says something critical and you feel angry, anger might actually fit the facts, or might be a threat to your well being, your job might be in danger somehow. But acting on that, having an outburst, telling your boss off in front of others, or at all, likely won’t be effective. So you can use Opposite Action then too.
Ed Fowler
Right.
Marielle Berg
But let’s let’s go back to Opposite Action for sadness.
Ed Fowler
And I think that oftentimes, like sadness, sometimes our sadness is based on assumptions about loss, impending loss, like I’m never going to have a relationship. Well, how do you know, right? Like, there’s no way to know that you will never have a relationship. And that’s one that I like, you know, could get into earlier in my life, like really like, no, there’s no way I’m ever going to have a relationship. And that’s actually not factual.
Ed Fowler
But oftentimes with sadness, it’s like, I did lose something, right? I lost a relationship, I lost a job, I lost something that was important to me, and I feel really sad. But if I stop my life to deal with that sadness, I may lose other things as well. And so I need to keep acting with my life, as I continue to grieve whatever it is that I’ve lost.
Ed Fowler
So a little bit of Opposite Action with sadness can actually be effective, in helping us maintain other things and not for instance, lose a job when we’ve lost a relationship and we’re grieving. So sadness often tells us that we want to kind of retreat, and go inward and stay away from people in order to soothe our hurt feelings. And Opposite Action is to be active. Get out there, do things, don’t avoid things, get involved.
Marielle Berg
Do things that make you feel competent, self confident, we talk about it, it’s a skill, we’ll we’ll go into more at some point, called Build Mastery. So do things that are a little bit challenging to build your self confidence. And I just want to validate for folks who are listening that this can be so hard.
Ed Fowler
Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, see that, and that’s what, with a lot of these, sadness in particular, like, if we’re feeling really deep sadness, it can be so hard to be active in any way. And yet, I hear so often, and I’ve been through this myself, where it’s like, if I just hide and stay home and nurture my sadness, like, I am not living the life that I want, and losing other opportunities, and losing the possibility to actually get past the sadness. And so even though I that’s where I find, thinking to myself, Opposite Action is what I need here, even though it may be really, really hard, it may be beneficial. Let me try it.
Marielle Berg
Yeah.
Ed Fowler
Even just a little.
Marielle Berg
It makes me think about, I don’t know where this is exactly in our skills book. But there’s an I’m pretty sure it’s for Opposite Action, but a little portion on one of our worksheets, where it says Opposite Action for sadness, or grief is visit the grave site, but don’t build your house there.
Ed Fowler
Right, right.
Marielle Berg
All the emotions we talked about with Opposite Action, we’re not repressing them, or denying them, because that doesn’t work.
Ed Fowler
So for instance, if my sadness is based in assumptions about what might happen in the future, I don’t want to go with that, because that’s not really fact based, right? And so then Opposite Action is really important, and it’s what I need. If my sadness is justified, if I really have had a loss that I’m grieving, I’m going to practice Opposite Action to give myself a break, to keep doing other things that are important to me, I need to come back to the sadness.
Ed Fowler
If I’m really angry, and it’s not effective to express that anger right now, I’m going to be open and be kind as a way to practice Opposite Action. But I need to come back to that anger to express it effectively, in order to change the situation so that I’m not hurt again in the future. So sometimes when we’re practicing Opposite Action, just so that we can come back, we want to do it all the way. So we get a break from that emotion, we change that emotion, we remind ourselves this emotion is impermanent, so that then we can come back more effective in how to express that emotion.
Marielle Berg
As you’re talking, I’m also thinking about the term that we use in the therapy world, compartmentalize. And this was the first time I’ve thought of this, so I don’t know if it’s 100% in line with the original thinking around the skill, but I feel like it’s sort of skillful compartmentalization. Like you’re putting it, you know, on a shelf, metaphorically in a box, you’re putting it aside for a little bit, you’re not denying it or saying, I’m not actually sad about this loss, or I’m not actually angry at someone who did something that was threatening or wrong, you’re putting it aside to, to do something that’s more effective in the moment.
Ed Fowler
And that’s what I appreciate about the practice of Opposite Action is that we have to first name the emotion, Check the Facts on it, notice the urge. In doing all of those things, we kind of get a sense of what’s going on here. So that we’re not necessarily just automatically compartmentalizing, but we’re conscientiously compartmentalizing. We’re saying, Yes, I am angry, it is justified, it’s not effective right now. So I’m gonna put this to the side and do Opposite Action to give myself a bit of a break. And then I will come back to this.
Marielle Berg
Yes. And as we said, when we talked about Check the Facts, if you check the facts, and your emotion actually fits the facts, and acting on it in the moment is effective, then feel the emotion, be mindful of the emotion, and let it guide you.
Ed Fowler
Right, right. And that’s where I think that with these Emotion Regulation skills, what we’re doing is developing an awareness of emotion, and ability to notice and name emotions, and then starting to practice like, okay, what’s it like to go with this emotion because that’s effective? What’s it like to feel something different using Opposite Action because this emotion isn’t effective right now?
Ed Fowler
And we get to have like a lot of flexibility in how to manage emotions, gives us lots of options. So that for instance, for me, like I feel so much more confident about my emotions, Now, because I know I have options, I can express this fully if that’s effective, I can totally do Opposite Action if it’s not. And actually feel different, and then come back and revisit it later.
Marielle Berg
So let’s wrap up here. I think we gave a good introductory kind of overview of how and when and why we use Opposite Action.
Ed Fowler
Yeah. And I think it’s good. This is such a powerful skill. It’s good, this is a good intro, but I encourage people to get more into it and and learn more about it, talk to people that you can practice it with.
Marielle Berg
All right, thank you.
Ed Fowler
Thanks.
Marielle Berg
Thanks for listening to today’s episode. To learn more, or if you’re in the Bay Area and want to get started with therapy, you can find us online at bayareadbtcc.com. That’s bayareadbtcc.com.