What is the myth of spontaneity in relationships?

The Myth of Spontaneity

As a San Francisco couple’s therapist, I regularly see couples that have gotten so busy with every day life that they’ve put their relationship on the back burner, where it sits, ignored.

It’s easy to prioritize everything else – work, school, family and socializing – the list could go on and on. But prioritizing your relationship is vital if you want to feel close and connected.

Many busy couples find that they need to calendar in spending time together, cordoning off a “date night,” much the same way they mark off blocks of time to do other things they value.

You may balk at the idea of scheduling time to be with your sweetie, thinking that it’s too contrived; that you’d rather wait until special time together just happens. Somehow, if you have to calendar it in, it just doesn’t feel so special anymore.

This is the myth of spontaneity.
The idea that sharing romantic time together should just happen.

The thing is, it never just happened…


The Myth of Spontaneity

Think back to when you first started dating your significant other.

You probably spent time thinking about when you were going to see them and what you two were going to do together.

You prepared. But it didn’t feel like preparing – it probably felt exciting.

Maybe you did your hair or picked out a special outfit to wear.
Maybe you washed your car before you picked them up or shined your shoes.
Whatever you did, you put thought and energy into getting into the mood to connect.

In the beginning of a relationship, you prioritize spending time together when it’s just you two. That’s how intimacy and ultimately, love, builds.

Once you’ve been together for a while, though, designated couple time loses out to the routine of everyday life, leaving little room for what grew the relationship in the first place: all that loving attention and careful planning.

You can bring some of the specialness from the early days of your relationship back.

Make it a priority to have time together for just you two as a couple.
Mark that time off in your calendar, just like you would with any other important thing in your life.

Don’t wait for it to just happen.

Remember, it never just happened.

In the beginning, you made it happen.


Need to bring the spark back to your relationship?

To see how couples counseling can help, call (415) 310-5142 for a phone consultation.